Battle Scars (bxb)

Chapter 17 - The End

"Come on babe, hurry up! We can't be late, again" I called while I watched the movements of my hands trying to tie my tie in the mirror. One thing that I had to realize while being with my boyfriend, my mate, Sawyer for the past four months was, that he was always late. I didn't notice it in the beginning, mainly because we were both so nervous and everything was just so complicated that a few minutes more or less didn't matter, but now I came to realize that my mate was not somebody who would ever be on time if not pushed by somebody else. That somebody else was mostly me, because I was taught to never keep people waiting and anyway, I could do without the embarrassment and sheer awkwardness of showing up somewhere and being the last to arrive. But Sawyer was simply different and I had to accept that. But honestly, if that was his biggest flaw, I once again knew that I was the luckiest guy on this earth. 

And yes, I know. Babe. I-... I never thought I would ever be the person to call somebody else by.. well that name. But then again I would have never imagined, that I would be so lucky as to even have somebody that would like me calling them that. The first time it happened, it just kind of slipped out. I didn't plan on finding a cute nickname for my mate, to me Sawyer was everything. He was light, he was darkness, where he went my happiness followed. A bond like that didn't need human quirks like cute pet names. But Sawyer had used them and each time i would blush and my world would fall apart but in the best way possible. I couldn't handle it and yet I was the happiest person alive when he called me his baby or honey or something. But honestly, anything he did made me unravel all over again. 

After... After Jack. After everything, Sawyer and I started dating. At least that was what everybody else was calling it. To us it was simply, it was private. We went to my home and he stayed with me for three days and three nights. He held me at night and gave me time to think about what happened. He cooked for me in the morning and let me talk to him during the day. He gave me what I needed because he knew that I had just been through hell. I told him a lot. About what Jack did to me. I also remembered a lot in these three days and the memories weren't pleasant ones. I had the urge to push them away but Sawyer helped me conquer them and face them with all the strength I had gathered over the years. He didn't make me feel bad when I needed a break or pushed me when it all became too much. He also didn't ask any questions about us and what we were now because he always just said he was my mate and he would be here for me. 

After the three days and three nights I went to my old psychiatrist that I used to see when I was a child. I had resented him because he made me remember. and I didn't like that, but now I needed to work through everything and Sawyer as well as my parents and my friends were by my side through the whole thing. And after each session Sawyer would wait for me and take me out to get ice cream or watch a movie or something, just the two of us, so we could spend some time together and I could feel light and alive again. It helped. A lot. And we managed to bond even more in those weeks. 

Sometimes I would stay over at his place and sometimes he would be at mine but we rarely spend a night apart. We didn't... I mean not at first but eventually yes, we did complete the mating bond, but that is a-a uhm different story. A dirty story I-I suppose. But it was beautiful and bone chilling. He was really gentle, which I wasn't used to. I mean, I had my issues going into the whole intimacy thing, because I remembered so much from Jack and his beta. At first I didn't connect Sawyers gentle touch with the filthy one of my abuser, but eventually I couldn't help but to have trouble telling them apart. 

We started with kissing, a lot of kissing and that was all wonderful. When we moved on to taking our shirts off and kissing and sucking on each others neck I was nervous but excited. When we eventually got really aroused while making out and rubbed against each other I started feeling a little anxious, but mostly because I didn't know if I was good and if Sawyer actually wanted this, wanted me. I had no problem touching him and he was even very surprised when one night, when we made out and I felt his arousal pressing against my hip, that it was so easy for me to open his pants and slip my hand in there, but I liked it and I felt confident when I heard the sounds that he made. I liked the control that I had in that moment and so thats what we did for a while. But when he said that he wanted to touch me too and he did, I got a really weird feeling in my chest. I wanted to push it away but when he went down on me for the first time i got so overwhelmed by that bad feeling that I was trying to push away, I-... I cried.