The Boy From The Bridge - Jakehoon

Chapter 86: Impotent Wolf 1/8

Jungwon watched Jungkook as he continued to try and divulge his difficulties. He was struggling, as was made apparent by his needing to clutch the table in order to steady himself. Jungkook's voice had become slowed and measured. He was a far cry from his normal self, the cavalier young man who would recount stories of daring and adventure. 

Growing up, Jungkook had being something of a reliable stalwart for Jungwon . They had met four years previously, when Jungwon had been 11. His parents had been apprehensive of him spending weekends painting and playing games with a group of people who were predominantly older men. The concerns were understandable on a rational level, if one refused to look past that they were doing so with the same intention as Jungwon, to fawn over toy soldiers. 

Jungkook had been younger then too, barely a man and with many boyish tendencies  so Jungwon gravitated to him and watched him mature in correlation with himself. They both had phases, times when interests and desires twisted and pulled them in separate directions, however, the always came back to each other - if only to talk. 

When Jungwon had struggled with his disparate relationship with his parents, or when he had taken ages to adapt into high school, Jungkook had been there through it all. Nothing had been off the table when it came to discussion as they trusted each other unreservedly. The type of confidence one can only have when they know the other has absolutely nothing ulterior to gain from their friendship, the type of friendship where they were comfortable enough to share both dreams and nightmares. 

He had been there when Jungwon needed him, all those times he felt down and ashamed, when he had let his anger get the better of him and he had being left feeling like an outcast, Jungkook and never lost faith in him, not even for a second even at moments when his family had.

Hours upon hours of rolling dice with one another had taught them both to see life as a game of chance, frequently divided into fractions of a third or a sixth. Sometimes you couldn't be stopped and the 5s and the 6s never ceased, other times you'd be stuck with the 2s - not bad enough to worthy of another shot, rarely good enough to do anything with. 

1s were fun, how you reacted to them was what made you, what tested your resolve. Despite that utility, sometimes the 1s would just keep on coming and you had no way of stopping them. The infamous 'snake eyes' was considered the worst luck, the only thing worse than that was...

"It's like I'm rolling 1s into 1s." Jungkook had said with a sigh. 

It was his description of what he deduced as impotency, and it was hard to listen to. A man, perhaps Jungwon thought, particularly a young man, is somewhat built upon their sexual prowess. Even if they had other priorities, goals and wants, their ability to deliver on their most primal function gave them value when nothing else did. 

Jungwon had never thought much about it before, regarding sex as the desire of people who had nothing better to do, but seeing the inability to perform break a man as versatile and as resilient as Jungkook made him question that assumption. 

"You feel inadequate?" Jungwon asked.

"No. I feel broken." 

The fact that Jungkook chose to share this with Jungwon was emblematic of their bond. Jungwon knew by the frequent pauses that he was the only person he had shared his concerns with. 

"But you were never attracted to men?" Jungwon said after listening to Jungkook ramble melancholically about his predicament. "You've always being with girls as long as I've known you"

Jungkook shrugged, "I don't know - I was young once, and heck, enough things happened... or I that I thought could happen that I always retained the possibility"