[✓] Te Amo || Quackity

20 - "Kayden's gender crisis"

TW // negative thoughts, gender dysphoria, blood, periods, depression

It was now lunch time. We all skipped breakfast to prepare for the whopper's.

Alex said it was a diseased burger. I said it was the food of the Dream Smp.

Alex then argued that I don't even know how to play Minecraft so I should leave the Smp out of this.

I walked out of the living room.

Karl and Sapnap were finally out of the bathroom so I had to shit. Or at least I thought I did. I had horrible cramps and stomach pains.

But when I got into the bathroom, I had discovered I had gotten my period. On my shorts.

Great.

I quickly cleaned myself up and sighed.

I felt like shit.

I was in painnnnnnnnn.

I just needed pain killers, and a quick birthday stream. Thank god my actual birthday is tomorrow. I will feel ten times worse tomorrow.

I waddled to the kitchen and grabbed some water and meds.

I ignored the boys and went to my room. Hopefully, the meds would kick in so I could stream in an hour.

I curled up in bed and felt sick to my stomach. I usually get really horrible periods so I feel like this a lot.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl. Like I would still be me. But without the future and boobs and constant staring and feeling judged for my body. I wanted to be me but less feminine.

I remember finding the term non-binary and being happy because it was how I felt. But it wasn't how I was biologically.

I still use she/her pronouns because I am scared of what would happen if I used other pronouns.

I want to experiment with my gender and self expression. But being in the light of others,being famous, has made it hard.

I want to express my feelings but feel trapped.

And now I'm crying on my bed and clutching my stomach.

Welcome to Kayden's gender crisis.

I felt a twinge of pain from my stomach and felt tears in my eyes.

I hate it here.

Tears rolled down my face as I quietly sobbed and tried not to attract the boys attention.

Ayo god, it's me, Kayden. Take my uterus away please 🥺

Anyway I was like full on sobbing. And then I started over thinking.

Was Alex really in love with me?

Would he still like me if I was a boy?

Did Karl actually like me or was he faking it for fame?

Would my viewers accept me for who I am?

Why have my parents not talked to me for five months?

What are all these feelings?

How do you love, like actually love?

I hated myself and in this moment I just wanted to disappear.

No one would miss me if I was gone.

I heard someone's voice come into the room. But it was mostly drowned out in my thoughts.

"Hey baby. I need you to breathe okay?" The voice said. Probably Alex because who else calls me baby.

I slowed my breathing and felt arms pick me up and hold me close.

"I'm sorry for having you do this," I say to him as he holds me

"Ay mi amor, it's okay. Don't feel sorry for having someone take care of you," Alex says as he kisses my forehead. "Now what's wrong?" He asks.

"My period. Whenever I get it, I get all depressed and shit," I say as I feel another wave of pain.

I gasp and clutch my stomach. Tears threaten to spill over again as I try to wiggle out of Alex's lap and lay down again.

"Okay, did you take medicine?" He asks. I nod and curl up into the bed again. "I'll get you a warm compress and some chocolate. Can I borrow your car?" He asked. 

I nod once again and sniffle a bit.

Alex leaves and Karl comes into the room with Nick.

"Hey, Alex told us what happened. You don't have to be embarrassed about it. We can help you," Karl said. He sat on the edge of the bed.

I scooted away from him, kind of like how oil and water don't mix. My thought about Karl from before were still on the surface.

Nick sat on the floor and faced me.

"It's okay Kade. I don't really understand or feel your pain but just know we can try to help you with it," Nick says.

I started crying again.

"You guys don't understand though. You don't understand what it's like to be trapped in your own mind. To feel like you have to hide or show for someone else. I feel like shit this time of month because it reminds me who I'm not. It reminds me how I don't want to feel. I want to be masculine and not have a period. I want to be feminine and not be judged. I hate feeling like absolute shit every single month with no stop," I cry. "In case your small and shallow minded dumbass brains didn't pick up, I'm having a very depressing gender crisis right now."

I cough from crying and feel pain. Forget pain medication because clearly it doesn't work.

"Kayden we didn't know. No one knows how you feel," Karl said as he rubbed my back. "But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. Sap, Alex and I are always here to talk."

"Thanks you dumbass," I say as I try to smile.

I hear a door close and shuffling.

"I'm back. I didn't know what type of chocolate you liked so I got dark chocolate, then extra dark, milk chocolate, m&M's, chocolate chips in a bag and cookies. Also three different options for heating pads," Alex says holding up five very large bags of stuff he bought.

I sit up with the help of Karl as Alex dumps the chocolate out on the bed. He went to go do the heating pad thingys.

I ate a little chocolate but with the very nice help of Karl and Sapnap, there was only a little bit left when Alex came back with the heating pad.

Karl and Sappy left and Alex and I cuddled.

"Thanks for for this Alex. You're the best," I said drifting off to sleep.