𝗜𝗳 𝗜 𝗗𝗶𝗲 𝗧𝗼𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗿𝗼𝘄 🤍

•𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗧𝗼 𝗙𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁•

•🗡•

Nikki's POV, 15th December 2004

So, shit hadn't remained positive for very long- after the night out with Vince the other week things were okay for the rest of that night, we watched the movie Vince wanted and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be and I was also okay for the following day and night, and I gave Vince what I promised, a night of him being totally submissive to me which was fun, I teased him yes, but I made sure he had fun too.

After that though, the negativity came flooding back in, I'm back to where I was before, no I'm even further into this depression if I'm honest, maybe not as withdrawn as I had been before but I decided it was better to at least talk to Vince to stop him worrying, apart form that though everything was back to being depressing as fuck.

My birthday was a little better, which was four days ago, I enjoyed myself but my bad thoughts stayed, I couldn't get rid of them even if I willed myself to do it- it was a good day though, Vince did what he always did on my birthday and made me feel like a princess and yes that's a compliment, Tommy and Mick came over and spent a few hours with us and there's not much else to tell about it really- it was decent enough.

I wanna sound enthusiastic but it's been a rough few weeks for me, cutting was a daily occurrence once again, it's scary how easily I've fallen back into this habit, I'm not doing great in the grand scheme of things... my thoughts are now slipping beyond self harm and are slipping into suicide.

I'm not sure when that started to become a prominent thought, but all I know is it's something that's sounding more and more attractive as time goes on... it's not an option, but with my mental state right now it's becoming more and more like one.

I'm really scared, and I mean that, I've had thoughts like this before, attempted it a few times before, two of them I've told Vince then one I haven't, I'm no stranger to thinking in this manor but this time feels different, it feels deeper... does that make sense? It's taking more control over me this time than it has done before... it's starting to look attractive, it's a way out, a way out of pain and suffering.

But it's a cowardly thing to do, it's a selfish selfish thing to do, something I don't want to put anyone though, it was easier to think like this years ago when not many people gave a fuck about me or when I was a junkie... but I'm not like that anymore, that's why thinking like this is frightening, I don't want to die, I really don't... but why am I starting to feel it's my only option?

I'm putting that to the back of my head as best as I can but it's fucking tough... I've tried to spend as much time today with Vince as possible to try and stop me from thinking about everything, it's not been doing much but it's been better than nothing.

We were about to head up to bed at this exact moment as it was getting late, it was almost midnight so it was time we called it a day- we were ready to go upstairs, the only thing we had to do with actually move our asses off the couch which neither of us was jumping to do, I was comfortable being warmed by the fact Vince was cuddled up to my side and he was in the same boat as me, it took us probably fifteen minutes just to sit up, but once we had done that it made things easier for us.

Just as I was finally about to get up Vince spoke up from next to me "Yo, where's that Rolling Stone magazine, I wanna finish reading it in the morning, and I can't be assed to search for it tomorrow- I'll read it in bed, it's not like we're doing anything"