𝗜𝗳 𝗜 𝗗𝗶𝗲 𝗧𝗼𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗿𝗼𝘄 🤍

•𝗦𝗰𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗔𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝗛𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀•

•🗡•

Nikki's POV, November 9th 2004

The last few days have been pretty uneventful, apart from the compilation album we were working on now not a lot else was happening and we'd practically finished that... life was slow but that wasn't necessarily bad, Vince made the day better, he made any day better for me.

I can't stop my head though, can't stop it from thinking and thinking things I knew I shouldn't... I was still in the battle I was in the other day and it was quickly getting tiring, I was fed up of feeling like this, it was worse this time because nothing had triggered it... it just started and I'm falling further and further everyday...

This morning when I was having a shower I literally spent about twenty minutes afterwards sat against the wall staring at my scars, scars always have stories but the reasons behind most of mine I can't remember, the reasons seemed important to me when I cut into my flesh but looking back now there was no real reason behind it, just excuses, I invented excuses to harm myself and it looks like I'm trying to do that again.

The cuts were on my legs, it's always been my legs, like I said I used to do my wrists too but haven't done that in years, since forming the Crüe, so the scars were faint and now invisible as I tattooed over them such a long time ago... forming this band made me want to stop harming myself for a while but that clearly didn't last forever.

When I started up again I couldn't cut my wrists because I was with Vince by that time and he'd have noticed too easily so I only started again on my legs... of course he did notice, he noticed them when we were about to fuck one night, eventhough I'd insisted I screw him so he wouldn't notice the cuts he did, he saw them because he's Vince and he loves me, he noticed everything when it came to me, I curse it sometimes despite that it makes me feel worth something.

It's easier to know people don't care about me because then I don't have to feel guilty about hurting anyone, I love being in love, I love loving Vince and him loving me but it made it so damn hard to do this to myself... it filled me with so much guilt, gave me a reason to live... sometimes I didn't want that.

Vinnie had done his best to make me see myself in a better light, he's told me hundreds, maybe even thousands of times proving to me time and time again just what I meant to him, I knew when someone was lying to me and Vince never was... he told me how special I am and how proud he is of me for living with what happened to me, with being neglected and abused, he tells me how much he loves me and that losing me would destroy him.

I want to tell him that I'd never leave him and in my regular state of mind I wouldn't... I'd never put Vince though that pain no matter how much emotional pain I was in, it wouldn't solve any problems but I can't promise him that because in the state of mind I was falling into again now I'm not sure what I'd do, it's already making me think things, it's only a matter of time before thoughts turn into actions.

You have to believe me I don't want to do anything, I don't want to die, I don't want to hurt myself anymore... I just want to be normal, be happy... that's all I've ever wanted and I've had that... but it comes and goes, I wanted it permanently... I just wanted to stop thinking like this.

As morbid as it sounds maybe I needed to try something serious to get me to realize how precious life is and to give me a wake up call to how much I'd lose if I died... but I'd never put that to the test incase I actually died... but maybe it's the only way. A part of me wanted my mental illness to win, another part of me didn't... I'm caught in this wheel of debating this when is it even a debate?