𝗜𝗳 𝗜 𝗗𝗶𝗲 𝗧𝗼𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗿𝗼𝘄 🤍

•𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗨𝗽, 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗜𝗻•

A/N: Severe trigger warning ahead! Suicide thoughts/attempts, self harm talk the usual for this book basically but just thought I'd mention it ❤️

•🗡•

Nikki's POV, 31st December 2004

Days seem so long now, they seem to drag on and on... the last couple of weeks especially, though surprisingly, Christmas exceeded my expectations- Vince and I had a good time, he cooked us dinner, I helped- as awful as I can be at cooking I found it therapeutic in a way... it cleared my mind and made me feel more normal it gave me something to focus on but after Christmas Day it all went to shit again.

And no, at this point it's not even worth talking about my mental health, it's bad, beyond bad- let's put it this way, I'm about done, I was about to just give up, everything was just getting to much for me- I wasn't in the right state of mind to even think anything other than ending my life. There's so much shit in my head, so many memories of the abuse I suffered as a child and the constant choosing of drugs over my friends at the worst point in my addiction, I've made too many mistakes and bad choices, I'll be doing so many people a favour by doing what the voice in my head wants me too.

Vince was going out to his parents place for the day, I wasn't going- he hadn't asked me but I'm assuming he just thought I'd go... but I'm not, if he asks then I'll say no, I need him to be gone to go through with what I want to do.

It seems drastic, I know- it probably is... but I can't deal with it all any longer, the only way to stop thinking about all this is to just do what it wants. It's the only thing I can do... understand that.

I had no desire to see the new year it's just going to be the same shit, these thoughts aren't leaving me alone any time soon.

As Vince got ready upstairs to go to his mom and dads I was sat on the couch in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt not really paying attention to anything around me, just staring into space, only the washed out sound of the TV in the background.

I both wanted Vince to leave quickly and for him to take as much time as possible... I knew what I was going to do would be tough on him but he'll get over me... he should have left me back in '87, but he didn't so I'm making that decision for him now because I know he can do better, he's a great guy, the greatest man I've ever known, he loves me more than I deserve and I want him to love someone he deserves, which isn't me, it never was- he was always out of my league.

I wasn't trying to convince myself not to attempt to take my own life less than I thought, I expected the logical part of my brain to be fighting, even if it was a little bit but it wasn't... it was letting my head be consumed with these negative thoughts, these life ending thoughts and it just convinced me further that what I was thinking was the right thing to do.

The part of me that wanted to live and not give up was being drowned out by the feeling of wanting this to all end.

I couldn't seem to snap myself out of wanting this, so I just sat there and waited for Vince to leave me alone- I wasn't thinking about the consequences of what I was going to do, only that I wanted to do it- I wasn't thinking in any way of what my death would do to the man I loved so much.

This was so selfish, and I know that... so why am I still going to do it?

I can't answer that, certainly not in the frame of mind I'm in, I'll come up with any excuse I could to make what I'm thinking logical, to make it the right thing to do.