The Untold

027 : Confession

Disclaimer: Might trigger someone's anxiety or depression. 

I always fantasize the idea of death. The thought of it brings me peace in the midst of the chaos inside my head. It's as if it's the only light at the end of the dark tunnel I'm in. Every night, the thought of killing myself lingers in my mind. For several times, I tried to find a reason to always choose to be alive. But, at the end of the day, when darkness embraces the sky, every reason seems to vanish. I learned to love death, but knowing that someone I care about loves it makes me scared of it.

Being alive sucks, but I choose to live every day, not because I'm becoming afraid of dying, but because someone chooses life over death because of me. It's hard to be someone's reason for being alive if you're constantly wishing to die, but it feels great at the same time. It's as if I've finally found my purpose in life. If living means keeping her alive, then I'll live and breathe every second of every day just to make her stay.

And that is what I mean when I say, when I asked God to give me reasons to live, she's one of the things He gave me. I'm alive because of her, and she's alive because I always choose to live. And I think it's safe to say that we no longer live for ourselves, we keep each other alive. I still love death, but there have been no suicide attempts recently. And I'll live for as long as she does.