A Love that Stays

Goodbye

Nakaupo ako sa tokador ng master's bed room.  After ng last ng usap ni Sandro, I'm sleeping on the guest room.  Yes, sinusulit ko pa yung araw na magkasama kami kahit sulyap lang sa kanya.  Gusto ko pa magbaon ng mga sandaling kasama si Sandro.  I'll already initiated the annulment process and talk about my lawyer.  Sa tingin ko magiging madali naman ang process on our side.  I won't ask for settlement or half of his assets.  Ang gusto ko lang kalayaan para sa kanya.

Ilang beses akong tinangkang kausapin ni Sandro pero buo na ang desisyon ko.  Pati si Ate at Mama sinabihan akong pag-isipan ng mabuti yung gagawin ko.  Baka daw maayos pa namin.

Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ito maayos kase may nakapagitna na samin.  If I stay with Sandro, paulit-ulit ko lang kwekwestyunin ang halaga ko, kung ano ang pagkukulang ko.  Paulit-ukit ko lang itatanong kung mahal niya ba ako or kung nakalimutan na ba niya si Lizette.

We can never have peace.

Ang kalayaan para kay Sandro to love Lizette freely ang makakabuti para sa lahat even if it kills me.

Kalayaan naman para sakin, from this loveless marriage. To salvage the seed of self worth that I have.

Akala kase natin lahat ng love stories will have a happy ending, that in the end, they all live happily ever after  Pero sa totong buhay, ang pagmamahal ay nagpaparaya. Pagmamahal na nawawala, pagmamahal na natatalo.

Love is never constant. Maaaring sa paglipas ng taon, mabawasan or worst, mawala.  Kung swerte ka naman, love can be intensified for every season that pass.

A love and marriage can only work when you have the latter.  In our case, it's opposite.  My love intensifies and his loves vanishes.

Inikot ko yung tingin yung kwuarto namin ni Sandro.  Saksi yung apat na sulok ng kuwartong ito sa tampuhan, sagutan at intense love-making that we had.  It witnessed our silent wars and cries.

Tears freely fall from my eyes.

Dahan dahan kong kinalas ang kwintas na regalo sakin ni Sandro at nilapag sa taas ng kama.  It was his first gift to me.  It's nothing fancy but it holds a lot of memories and promises.

Sinunod kong tanggalin ang promise ring that he gave me on our second anniversary.  I remember clearly na pinag ipunan niya ito from his salary job. 

Sunod yung wedding ring. Hindi man naging pagmamahal yung reason niya why he had married me but I'm still thankful.  When I thought I was dying, he gave me hope and happiness. He made me happiest.

If were given a chance to re-write my love story, I will still choose my Bubby, my Alessandro, despite of our ending.

I wrote him a goodbye letter.

Bubby,

Allow me to call you that for the last time.

I still remembered how I followed you around during our college days. Good all days, huh.

The first eye contact.

The first kiss.

the first time you cried.

The first time you made love to me.

Hindi ko alam how long will it takes me to forget all of these, to forget you.  Hindi ko din alam paano kita nakayang palayain because if I only listen to my selfish side, I won't let you go, kahit na hindi na ako, kahit na awa nalang.  I don't care if I bleed basta I'll stay by your side.  I will hold on that 'till the end.

But I promised our Anna that I will make her proud, this is the start.  Yung pagpapaubaya ko para sumaya ka, Bubby.  

Despite of the bleeding heart and broken promises, I still wish for your happiness.  I know she's better than me.  That's why she made you fall for her, right?  I know she's kind and has beautiful heart.  She will be a good mother and loving wife.

When you read this, I'm probably already travelling the world.  Hopefully, someday, I could finally find my home. I know in the future, I could met a man I can love more than I love you. I still love you pero hayaan mo lang ako, alam ko balang araw mapapagod din ako then magigising nalang ako isang araw, I'm no longer in love with you.

Thank you for 10 years, Bubby.  Thank you for lending me your last name. Thank you for being Anna's father.

My only wish when I let you go is that you chase and clinch your happiness.  I want you to be happy.

I love you so much, Alessandro Markus Riego.

Isabelle Ortega