He really thought living was easy, as long as he kept breathing, what could go wrong? He never thought he would feel this pain, he felt that it was harder to breath than to stop breathing. Harder to smile to his love ones, than to just close his eyes and hope to never open them again. He looked at his pills, they looked poisonous to him, he sighed and hoped they were. He hoped that one day he could wake up with the strength to just end it all, he wished he could grab the knife, or take the sleeping pills or just go infront of a car. But then his family's faces showed up in his thoughts and he was a coward once again. He hated how his mind asked him to die, but then stopped him every time. He hated to live, but he feared dying. So he tried to breathe, even when it seemed too hard, because he had done something so horrible, that he thought he deserved a punishment, and his condemnation was living till his body gave out. He deserved the pain, Hyunjin knew it all too well. That didn't change how tired he was and how much he just wanted to fall asleep.
It was Sunday, Jin didn't know what time it was, but it was late. It freaked him out how quiet his brothers apartment was. Silence made him uncomfortable and noises made him paranoid. He guessed it was 8 pm, because Chris just got home. He thought he was feeling okay, but the minute their eyes locked, he cried. Chris moved really fast towards him and hugged him, and he did the only thing he could think of. He sang to him the same song Yeji sang to him the other day. Quietly the words flowed in the air, his arms tightly hugged him and his tears fell on Hyunjin's head as they slid off his face.
- Erase una vez un lobito bueno al que maltrataban todos los corderos - he sang in a broken spanish, not utterly sure that those were the right words - Y había también un príncipe malo, una bruja hermosa y un pirata honrado - but with confidence he sang, trying to calm him down as much as he could, and he must have been doing something right, because Hyunjin's crying turned into silent sobs - Todas estas cosas había una vez cuando yo soñaba un mundo al revés. - he finished, ready to start singing it again if he had to, but Hyunjin turned to face him with tears on his face, and his eyes shined, but not of sadness, they shined out of love. He felt at home, he felt safe in those arms. So he whispered a thank you, that it banished so fast it was as if it had never been said.
Infront of Hyunjin, a cup if tea appeared. He hadn't realized that Chris hadn't come home alone and Minho had been there the whole time. But even tho he didn't know Minho very well, he trusted him enough to be vulnerable in his presence. He accepted his cup of tea and smiled weakly at him.
- How do you know that song? - Jin asked his brother.
- Yeji sang it to me a few days ago and I haven't been able to take it out of my head, she said it calmed you. Was my pronounciation too terrible? - he asked, suddenly feeling embarrassed.
Hyunjin laughed, but said no, he pronounced everything pretty accurately. His mom was a big fan of Paco Ibañes, and she used to sing to him and his sister that song every night before they went to bed. Later on, she sang it when they were hurt, mostly because of their father. Every good memory they had from their childhood was somewhat conected to that song.
The door opened and a sweaty Minho came in. The sound of the door opening scared him a bit, and even tho seeing it was Minho calmed him a little, Hyunjin was still feeling tense. The truth is, while Jin knew Min wasn't going to hurt him and he trusted him because of Chris, he was always tense around him. He was tense everywhere, except with his family and Jisung. Minho understood this and tried to not invade his personal space. Silently Min made dinner for the three of them and when it was ready they ate while watching Black Widow. Hyunjin kept his distance and tried to eat fast so he could go to sleep. He was tired, crying tired him a lot. Also, thinking he had to go to university again tomorrow was making him really anxious, thinking about seeing Changbin again scared him. He just wanted a little peace, but he didn't feel like he deserved it.
He grabbed the dishes and cleaned them, he started tidying the kitchen when he saw Minho helping him. Hyunjin turned around and saw his brother sleeping on the couch, he knew that in any moment he would start snoring. They placed the house in order quietly. They could hear when the glasses touched the counter in the dead silence of the room, they worked like robots and tried to stay out of each others way. Usually Minho was a very loud person, so being quiet was new for him. Not uncomfortable, not when he knew how hard it became for Hyunjin to talk to people, but still new. He also understood that he had to make himself look approachable for Jin, so if he wanted to talk to him, he wouldn't feel too intimidated to do so. He knew it was Hyunjin who had to make the first move or else he could make him feel uncomfortable around him.
If Hyunjin tried to think rationally, he knew there was no actual reason for him not to be friends with Minho, he was his best friend's boyfriend and his brother's best friend. He was trustworthy, he cared and tried to help him from afar, he made sure he was never alone, but also never felt too suffocated by people around him. Minho took care of him every time he wasn't looking. But the fear was still there. Even if it was uncalled for.
The days went by where Hyunjin was never left alone, he was always taken care of. His friends and family took turns to watch him, to make sure he was okay. He was taking some days off of school and off of his house. He needed the space. So he lived with Chris for the time being. Not because he didn't have other options, but because it was the only place where he felt safe enough to fall asleep in. If his brother was there he knew for sure that no one was ever going to hurt him. He knew that when Chris threated Changbin, he was being truthful. He was in the safest place he could be in. That also meant living with Minho. He didn't mind, he wasn't uncomfortable by it. But it was hard. He tried to not be so tense or to not think the worst when he gets home. He memorized his steps and Chris's so he wouldn't get confused when they got home. They still texted him everytime to let him know what they where doing and with who. Hyunjin couldnt help but feel scared when someone he cared about was far away. He feared they could get hurt or die. He didn't do it on purpused, the images of them lying dead on the ground came to him out of nowhere. Thankfully everyone knew, so they tried to never worry him. Thankfully, he was loved.
It was nightfall already, the week was ending and Chris, Hyunjin and Minho where silently watching a movie. Like every night of that week. It was nice, having silence for a change. Jin was used to everyone and everything being loud, he was used to the yelling and hearing thing breaking all over his house. Thats why he liked to stay at his brother's place, because even in silence, he could hear his memories in his house. It never stopped tormenting him. Finally, peace and quiet everywhere, everywhere but in his own mind. The memories could still scream in there. But there where times where he found confort, where his constant fear was put to rest. Moments like this one. Where, for the first time, he was relaxing completely. His body was starting to shut down, he was tired, not of a physical pain, but of the efford he made to just breathe and actively choose to not stop doing so. So, slowly, his head fell on someones shoulder.
There where counted the times Minho touched Hyunjin. He could remember all of them and explain why each of those times happened. The last one was when Changbin punched Jin and Min held him while walking towards his car. It lasted just a few minutes, just the necessary time so it wouldn't make Hyunjin uncomfortable. So when Minho felt him fall on his shoulder and snuggle towards him he couldn't believe it. It almost made him cry. Finally, Hyunjin was starting to trust him. Finally he wasn't afraid of him. It was a small gesture, he knew that to a lot of people it could mean nothing. But Minho was sure this meant more than it seemed. He wanted to be another safe space for Jin, given the fact that he didn't have many.
The truth was, Minho was the kind of person that couldn't handle seeing someone in pain. If he could, he would do something about it. That's how he got to the place he is now, that's how he almost never got taken care of. That's why he is so tired, but doesn't feel like he is allowed to be. Because so many people around him went through real pain, so much more than him, so his feelings never where the first priority. He was always second, just like he was always the first to step in and help. He was tired of helping now. Tired of caring. Tired of love. Minho just wanted to be alone, at peace. But he knew he would never turn his back on anyone who needed him, so he was condemned to bitterness.
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Up To Scratch
Fanfiction- Jeongin, you should think it through. - What's there to think? Im really tired of guys my age, they aren't really interesting and the moment they see Changbin, they run away. It's no fun rebelling like that. Deep in thought, he was trying to come...
