Up To Scratch

Chapter 14

- So, how have you been Hyunjin? I heard you where starting to pick up on old hobbies. - His therapist said with a smile of pride.

- Did Chris tell you? - Jin asked happy, something that was about to change, as it always did - I've been trying to draw this couple that I can't get out of my head - he said while he showed her his attempts at it - I don't know why I can't draw their faces, it's really hard to convey their emotions.

- Could it be maybe because romantic love is not an emotion you are very familiar with? - she asked cautiously.

- I've seen it, with my mom and... - Hyunjin stopped talking, realizing she was right, he wasn't that familiar with it. Actually, if he thought about it, for what he knew of love, he should want to run away from it. But still, he crave it. - If that is all I know of love, why do I want it? - he asked but he never heard her answer, his own question started his mind in ways that made it impossible for him to pay attention to other people.

He has been trying to draw something beautiful, full of love and devotion when his heart couldn't be further away from those feelings. How could he make other people feel happy when seeing his art if all he was is miserable? How could he make someone's eyes glow out of love if his heart was bitter and broken? He wanted someone to love him, at first he wanted someone like Minho, but he saw how he broke Jisung's heart. Now that his brother got his ex boyfriend back, he worried for his heart, he worried too much.

He realized he was too deep in thought and words started to be difficult again, this happened to him a few times after therapy or even before. His therapist said it might be selective mutism. She tried to help him remember of the times when he was younger and talking became impossible for him. He realized he had suppressed a lot of memories, mostly of his father, he asked her mother and she told him she remembered the times where he couldn't speak. But she never thought it was a problem because as soon as his father left he talked just fine. She thought it was just the fear. They weren't so sure anymore. He only knew that if anyone tried to get him to talk he would cry. It felt unnatural. Wrong.

- Hyunjin... - she said, bringing him back to reality - why don't you try to draw something you do know, something you are familiar with, other kinds of love you've felt - she suggested and Hyunjin agreed. He would try.

When it was time he left, he felt it took forever when in reality it had just been an hour. Chris was waiting for him with Jisung outside. With time they started to become more and more close with each other, at first it was because of Minho and now because of Hyunjin. They met often and while they waited for Hyunjin to be done with therapy they talked. Never about Minho, Chris knew that it wasn't something they could discuss like that. Still, Chris wanted Jisung to know that he was on his side on this, because Minho fucked up and cheating was never excusable and he would never cover up for him. Min knew what Chris thought about the whole thing and he was okay with it, or at least that's what he said. These days what Minho said wasn't very trustworthy.

Every time Hyunjin felt better, when something brought him happiness, he got sadder, thinking he didn't deserve to be happy. His therapist told him that he did, that he should try and go for those things that made him feel better and with time, he will heal. He needed to surround himself with those he loved, and when he saw both Jisung and Chris waiting for him outside of the building, he smiled. He wasn't alone, they proved it all the time, despite having his own mind against him. Hyunjin went to hug his brother.

- Everything okay Jinnie? - Chris asked, hugging him back.

- Yeah... I just... I love you Chris. - Hyunjin said. He never said it before, but he did love his brother. He was so happy he was finally able to voice out the words, he had been trying to say it for a while but he always found himself unable to. It was hard, he tried to pretend it wasn't, but Chris was the spitting image of his father and sometimes it was hard to look at him. They both knew that there were days where it was difficult for Hyunjin to look at him in the eyes, where he wouldn't let Chris touch him too much. But those days where less and less frequent.

- I love you too little brother. - he answered, with a smile on his lips. Their bond felt like it had been there forever, like it should've been.

The three of them got inside the car and drove to the gym, Jisung's shift was about to start and Chris wanted to teach Hyunjin jiu jitsu. He was a blue belt, he didn't know a lot, but there was a lot he could teach him. Chris realized that boxing wasn't for his brother, it was too violent for him, jiu jitsu on the other hand didn't make him feel anxious. He felt safer knowing how to stop whoever attacked him and just run away than fight them. He wanted to know how to keep himself safe, but still violence scared him so Chris thought this would be a good beginning for him.

Jisung got behind the front desk and started working, Chris and Hyunjin went to the bathroom to get changed. Ji greeted a group of guys who just entered the gym.

- Hi! How can I help you? - Jisung said and looked up and saw the guy he made out with at the club. He got nervous and a little bit red. But he put his best costumer service smile on and waited for their answers.

They guys all got behind Changkyun and smiled playfully to him, clearly wanting to laugh.

- Hey Jisung... A friend recommended this gym to us, he said there's a boxing class at 9 pm? - he asked, nervous too of seeing him.

- Yes, Chris gives that class, every week day. - Jisung started to look for the flyers he had so he could write it all down for them. - Here, all the info you guys need, Chris is teaching Jui jitsu right now if you would like me to call him for you.

One of the guys said yes, so Jisung went to look for Chris at the back. He tried to walk normally and act like everything was fine, but inside he was dying. He really did hate flirting. Mostly because he never noticed when other people did it to him and had no idea how to do it himself. He got to the mat and saw Chris and Hyunjin fighting rather gently. Jin was under him trying to do a lock on his arm and Chris was explaining it for him. It was rather simple and he was getting the hand of it. He looked happy. So Jisung smiled and waited for them to be done to talk.

- Hey Chris, there are a few guys at front that want to know about your boxing class. - so he got up and told Jin to wait for him for a moment and went with Jisung.

They both got there and Chris started answering questions for them, except Changkyun. He tried to listen but he was mesmerized with Jisung. So he took the chance he had, and tried to ask him out.

- I wasn't expecting finding you here Jisung, but I'm happy I did. Would you like to go somewhere later today? Watch a movie or have a drink? - Changkyun asked, full of nerves, which was unlike him. While he asked that question, someone approached them and interrupted them after he asked that.

- I'm sorry for interrupting Jisung, but my key isn't working. - Minho said, feeling uncomfortable and sad after hearing that and Jisung's affirmative answer.

Minho didn't want to be a bystander of whatever it was going to happen, he also didn't want to talk to them. But he couldn't just wait for them to leave to ask Jisung to fix his key. Something that he did quickly. Ji looked uncomfortable too, he also felt a little bad for Minho, no one would've liked to see the guy you love being flirted on infront of you. He left as soon as he could.

Jisung tried to ingore what had happened and told Changkyun to meet him there after he finished his shift at 10 pm. He smiled at him and left with his friends.

Living around Minho was hard for him, it was hard to look at him and know how miserable he felt, because he felt the same way. He sighed and kept on working. It was easier to do that, than to live in his own mind, that never stopped thinking and trying to fix whst wasn't fixable.

He had a change of clothes, so he got dressed in them and waited for his date when his shift was about to finish. At least this would take his mind away from every single problem he faced daily. Changkyun was like breathing fresh air for him tonight. And he wasn't going to waiste it. So when he came, he smiled, they kissed, and they spent all night talking. It was for him, the best date he ever had. Because Minho never took him out like this, he didn't walk with him late at night around the park, he didn't held his hand while talking and he didn't look at him. Not in the last weeks of their relationship he didn't. But at the beginning he used to, sadly, those nights where in the past, this nights where in his present and could be in his future too. If only he stopped comparing every single thing to his ex, he could have them in the future as well. If only.