Life was supposed to get easier, that was what his therapist said. It was supposed to get better and he was supposed to be happy. One day. Happiness. That was everything he ever wanted of life, but he never got it. Sometimes, a glimpse of it appeared, when he met Chris, when he met Jisung, when he got Ragnar, but it never lasted. Nothing ever did, but misery. Misery was everlasting and Hyunjin knew it. He went to a psychiatrist, he gave him some pills for his depression. But he didn't want to take them, not when he could see everyone's disappointment in their eyes. Everyone thought he was getting better and getting diagnosed with depression was a surprise for all but him. Everyone was angry at him for keeping it a secret, but he didn't. It wasn't a secret, they just didn't want to see it. They gave him a dog and expected him to smile every day and see the bright side of life. But there was none. He knew the truth, there was no happiness to look for, everyone was just kidding themselves thinking they'll get a happily ever after. That was just a delusion you saw on TV and tried to imitate. No one was truly happy. No one could, could they? If they could and it was just Hyunjin who thought of it as impossible then he didn't know why he was even trying. Why was he even alive? He couldn't be happy, he knew it, why was he even trying anymore? Why? There was no point, there never was one to begin with. Since he was born he was meant to suffer in this life and to die by he own hands. He knew it when he held that knife in his hands. He had to die to put a stop to it. No more pain, no more suffering. Just the after life. He didn't believe in hell, if he did he wouldn't want to die because he was sure he would go straight to it. But with time, he didn't believe in any of it, hell or heaven. There was just death. And he craved it. He craved it so much. He waited this long, after his brother's wedding, it was time. It had been enough waiting. He knew Ragnar would have a good life with Chris and Jeongin, he left him to them. He also made sure Minho wouldn't believe this was his fault, he had been damaged beyond repair long before even knowing him. He also made sure Jisung would understand even a little bit of his decision. He tried for years just for him, he breathe day after day just for Jisung, just so he could feed his belief that one day Hyunjin would be happy. But that belief was unfounded and he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't keep fighting for someone else. He had wanted to fight for himself, but it was pointless now. Everything was pointless to him. Living was meaningless at best and painful at most.
He thought about why he shouldn't do it as he looked down at the knife, this time, nothing was stopping him. Nothing was telling him no. He kneeled down, in the exact same spot as where his dad had been killed by him. He remembered how he did it to try and do the same thing again. He placed the knife in his stomach, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Before he was even able to do it, he heard a gut wrenching scream and felt a strong pair of arms hugging him and taking the knife out of his hands. Hyunjin couldn't understand what was happening, he was barely able to see with how much he had been crying without knowing. He realized late that Chris was the one hugging him tightly, so tight that he started to calm down his sobs, but he was still not present in reality.
Someone was on the phone, Hyunjin couldn't see or understand who. He couldn't remember he was supposed to go with Jeongin and Chris to have dinner. When they got inside his apartment and saw him kneeling with a knife Jeongin called an ambulance. While Chris tried to calm him down and he was completely unresponsive, Jeongin talked to the cops who arrived first, telling them Jin was afraid of the police and they shouldn't talk to him first. It was best to wait for the ambulance. It arrived ten minutes later and quietly they got inside of the apartment and tried talking to Hyunjin.
Jin wasn't able to hear anyone, he could only shield himself of the world with his brother's chest. Trying to melt into him, trying to stop the outside world from hurting him any further. The paramedics told Chris to walk Hyunjin towards the ambulance so they could drive them to the hospital and he would be on suicide watch.
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Fanfiction- Jeongin, you should think it through. - What's there to think? Im really tired of guys my age, they aren't really interesting and the moment they see Changbin, they run away. It's no fun rebelling like that. Deep in thought, he was trying to come...
