Identifying Our Trope (Metanoia Series #1)

31

Chapter 31

[trigger warning: mentions self-harm and suicide.]

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Song: Love You Goodbye by One Direction

Lucas was still crying. I would say it's been 15 minutes now. I still don't know what to say. It's all so random. What I saw was... something that shattered my heart. I felt like they were knives that had been thrown to me which made a deep cut on my heart.

Seeing that rope in his room. He was literally gonna do it. His condo was clean, his room looks clean too. The rope was hanging on his ceiling, and there's a chair over the rope. Paper envelopes were scattered on the ground. If I didn't decide to come over here, I would just end up receiving a goodbye letter from him.

I started sobbing, thinking of losing him. I was suspecting that he's cheating on me, and I didn't even bother really talking to him.

While I was suspecting him, he's fighting his silent battles.

I tried... right? I did daily checks on him because I know I can't be with him in those days. His replies were lively. He wasn't cold, nor distant.

What can I do? I feel so useless. I feel so guilty. I'm studying psychology— I know he's going through something but I didn't know that it's this bad. I didn't know that he would come this far. I didn't have any idea that anytime, sooner or later my boyfriend would take his own life.

He was always there for me. He's always there whenever I need him. But why won't he let me take care of him too? Why can't I do the same to him?

"Mahal..." I softly called, "I told you that I'm here, right?" I tried to stop myself from crying.

He didn't move. He was still crying, hiding his face on my neck. He's saying sorry numerous times. His embrace brought me comfort and pain.

"Shh... it's okay. It's okay. I'm here now, my love. I'm here." I caressed his back.

"I'm sorry... I'm a coward. I felt so damn tired. I'm so sorry that you have to encounter this..." he weakly said.

"Don't be. I think It's better that I encountered this instead of receiving a letter from you and attending your funeral. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help—"

"You help me everyday," he mumbled, then unwrapped his arms around me, then his hand slowly reached for my cheek. "You did more than that... You are helping me, you just didn't notice it." He gave me a smile as he caressed my face.

Tears from my eyes started falling. I could barely see him. Now, I can feel both of his hands on my cheeks, wiping my tears.

"I feel so weak... and tired. I wasn't able to attend my finals, thinking if it is still worth it to live." he muttered, "I'm failing my studies..." he cried more, we were both crying because of what we've witnessed.