Selcouth

50.

Mallory

It has been two days since I've shot victor in between his ugly and disgusting eyes, right into his even more disgusting, psychotic brain.

Dealing with everything I learned that evening, has been a bit hard on me, but the guys have done nothing but stay by my side the entire time, being there for me whenever I needed to cry or just wanted some comforting.

It's currently the day of new year's eve, and we're still in Rome.

They told me it was okay if I wanted to stay home. I wanted to stay home, I wanted to lay in this bed forever until the end of time.

But something deep inside me changed my entire mindset. I told him I wanted to go out. Go to the city, have dinner, go to a club and just celebrate the beginning of the new year.

Because I want the new year to start right. This is going to be my year. I've said that last year and all my teenage years before that, but this time I mean it.

I'm going to work for it and surely it's going to be hard, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to make living worth it.

I'm going to make myself stop regretting existing. Especially since I kind of was an accident and an unwished child, I'm not going to let anyway take away the fact that I'm alive, and that I'm going to live my life to the fullest.

This is super cliché but, I'm going to be happy again.

Yes, the guys make me happy, and I'm definitely not leaving them. I don't think I ever want to leave them. But I'm going to work on making myself happy this year, not letting others define my happiness.

There's nothing wrong with that. I just personally think that being able to make yourself the happiest person alive is one of the greatest abilities you as a person can have.

This year is about me, Mateo, Val and Elijah. They've always been there for me, in every possible way, but I feel as if I haven't been there for them.

I know they are happy. Happy with themselves and their lives, but also happy with me. But I know deep down it's beating them up to see me unhappy at times.

I'm going to make myself happy not only for myself but for their happiness. Making other people happy and smile is a thing I have always loved to do. It made me feel wanted and loved.

I once read something in an article, which I still remember to this day. And now, I'm going to appreciate those words, and I'm going to believe in them.

You were never meant to live an ordinary life and simply be happy — you are here to live with wild passion, restless love, inexpressible joy and extraordinary dreams.

Mateo has been convincing me or at least trying to convince me, to tell Val and Elijah about the miscarriage. Surely there is a ninety-nine per cent chance they heard my father talk about it, there's no denying it.

"What more is there to tell? They know I had a miscarriage, right? I assume they asked you about it, am I right?" I ask Mateo as I look at myself in the mirror, doing my make up as Mateo stands in the shower, as I currently have a towel wrapped around me.

"They have, and they're worried about you. I am too, but you left a bit of information out towards them, not to me. They don't know what's going on, and I do. You need to tell them, or else they might lose their trust in you. You don't want that, you know what could happen."

Oh, indeed I do. Val would go crazy, get mad again if he saw me with someone of the other sex once and out it in sex. Anger sex. Believe me, I like it when he gets rough, he's fucked me before when he was angry. But the last time he saw me with a guy he got mad, like really mad. I do not want a repeat of that.