Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 3

"I'm going to throw up," I bend forward, hands on knees. I had taken half a pill to help with my anxiety, but I'm thinking I should have taken a whole pill.

I jerk slightly when an unexpected hand comes down on my back, rubbing between my shoulder blades. Toby squats down next to me. His eyes are partially hidden by wire-rimmed glasses that are for aesthetic and are not prescription. "Are you sure you're okay? We can go back to the dorm."

I look up at the frat house. It's huge, a colonial-style mansion with greek letters above the door. People spill out from the party and onto the porch. I can hear Nana in my head, telling me that meeting new people will be good for me.

"I didn't use to be like this," I tell Toby apologetically. I've always dealt with social anxiety, but ever since Mom and Dad died, my mental illnesses have been worse. "I'm sorry."

Toby gives me a lopsided smile. "No harm, Jess. I'll do whatever you want to do."

I inhale a big gulp of air, steeling my nerves, telling myself that my anxiety isn't that bad. "Let's go in."

Toby's answering smile is huge, giving away how much he wants to attend the party. He loops an arm over my shoulder as we walk up the grass lawn. Music echoes throughout the night, getting louder and louder as we approach, like a beacon calling all Westbrook coeds.

When we enter the house, we're met with raucous laughter from a game of beer pong being played in the dining room. Bodies are grinding in every room of the house. People are making out in dark corners, hands down pants, or up shirts. We pass a line of glass doors that lead out to the backyard where the pool has been filled with bubbles, and people are splashing in the soapy water, spilling their drinks. A stage is set up in the grass and I see the band getting ready to go on.

"Let's get drinks!" Toby yells over the speakers that are blaring a remixed version of a Kid Cudi song.

I nod and follow Toby back inside. We stop at a counter full of different drinks and snacks. I snag a soda since I shouldn't drink on my meds, plus after what happened in May, I have sworn off liquor. Being at this party reminds me of the time Alan, Benjamin, and I went to one in high school. I got so very fucking drunk and puked all over Alan's Camry.

The memories of my former best friend and ex-boyfriend sour my mood, and I leave Toby, who is talking to some of the frat bros, and find Amy sitting on a couch in the living room.

She has her head back against the couch, her whole body is relaxed, melting into the cushions. Her skirt is riding up, dangerously close to revealing everything underneath. She rolls her head towards me as I approach, a slow smile spreading.

"Lincoln."

"Ford." I sit next to her, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch so Amy can use it to cover her thighs, and placing my soda on the table before us where a tray of brownies sits. I put two and two together. "We a little high, Ford?"

She nods. "Very much so." She adjusts her sitting so she's leaning against my shoulder. She looks up as a shadow falls over us. "Who are you?"

"Toby," He says, sitting on my other side. "And you?"

She giggles. "Amy Benson."

"Ooh, brownies," Toby says, reaching for one.

"Careful, Toby. They're pot brownies."

Toby smiles at me like I'm a small, innocent puppy. "I would expect nothing less." He picks up a middle piece and takes a huge bite.

I already know my night is going to consist of taking care of these two, but I welcome it. I would rather have a task than just float aimlessly around this unknown place with these unknown people.

"You made it!" Shelby stands over us, a studded leather jacket thrown over ripped jeans and a faded 90s grunge band tee. "We go on soon, but I wanted to see if you guys were here." She smiles at me. "Make sure you get a front-row seat, Jess," she snarks. "I want to make sure we blow your mind."

"You're not going to let me forget about yesterday in the book store, are you?"

"Nope!"

"Shlebs!" Someone yells. "Hurry up!"

We all follow Shelby and one of the band members out to the backyard where a small crowd has gathered around the stage. I see now how much the college loves this band. Every other person seems to be wearing a Poisonous Winter shirt. Some girls are fawning over the drummer as he tests out his set. Even from where I'm sitting I can already tell he has two things I like a lot: a don't-give-a-shit attitude and tattoos. I'm a sucker for tattoos.

From this far away, it's hard to make out the details of his face, but there's an intense focus about the drummer that is hard to look away from. He's zoned in on his task at hand, his long black hair falling in his face as he taps on his drums with his sticks.

"Hello, Westbrook. If you're new to campus or have been living under a rock for the past three years, we are Poisonous Winter!" The lead singer, a guy who looks like Shelby, but with a more laid-back, Kurt Cobain style, yells into the mic.

Amy, Toby, and I move towards the stage and get lost in the crowd that has amassed before the band.

As soon as he finishes speaking, a guitar riff wails through the night sky. The guy on the end plays the keyboard with such ferocity, he reminds me a little of how Benjamin would get lost in the music when he played Bach on the piano. Shelby plucks her bass, nodding her head as her brother begins singing. The girl wearing the hijab strums her guitar, fingers flying over her strings. Sebastian's voice carries over the crowd, inviting and full of emotion. The words draw the listener in, evoking something that I really wish I wasn't feeling in a backyard full of strangers. The song is about a love lost--something I have great experience in.

Memories flash: Benjamin. Alan. My parents. Everything I have lost in just four and a half months. Benjamin was the first boy I ever truly loved. Alan, my best friend of seven years, was just gone one day. My parents' funeral. Their inability to see me graduate, to see me start college. The spiral that led me to SunnySide. All of it just fills me, until it spills over and I feel like I can't breathe. But I don't want to stop feeling. I don't want Shelby's brother to stop singing. And then Shelby joins in singing, her voice lands that final straw that makes my tears fall, that leaves my heart open and raw.

Funnily, the song is upbeat. It reminds me of an early 2000's band Alan's older brother listened to. And, honestly, I have no idea why I'm fucking crying. I probably look like a loser--the only loser crying to a song that you're meant to jump around and dance to.

"Are you alright?" Amy asks.

I wipe my tears, flashing her a watery smile. "I'm fine. They're pretty good, huh?"

Toby and Amy share a concerned look but say nothing. All around me, people are screaming and jumping, and though I feel raw and vulnerable, I begin screaming and jumping too.