Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 18

On Monday afternoon I wake up feeling much better. Not a hundred percent, but better.

I have missed my morning classes, and decide to miss my afternoon class as well. The Dark Episodes always take a lot of my energy, and I need to take the day to recharge.

Toby is reading on his bed with his headphones in. When he sees me sitting up, he smiles at me tentatively.

"Hey," I croak.

"You fucking scared me, Jay."

I look away. He's looking at me all intense and concerned, and I feel guilty that I caused him to worry so much. I hate that I shut down from time to time. I hate that my brain doesn't work right and that God forgot me when he was handing out serotonin.

"I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize." He slides off his bed and comes to mine. I pull my orange comforter up to my chin as he settles beside me. I'm not naked underneath the blanket or anything, but having Toby in my bed while I'm having all these...feelings for him is making me so nervous, even behind my knees are sweating from the close proximity of him.

"What was that, Jay?" His eyes burrow into me, and he's too close to be looking at me this intense. I look away. "I mean you're usually an apathetic asshole--"

"Thanks." I hit his shoulder, but smile my first genuine smile in days.

"--but it was like someone had taken your batteries out."

I really wish I had coffee if we're going to be talking about this right after I woke up.

"I call them Dark Episodes. My body just kind of shuts down."

"I thought the pills helped with that." He reaches over, placing a hand on my knee. I wish I could lace our fingers together, feel the warmth of his palm pressed against mine.

"They do, but they aren't a fix-all." I sigh, running my hands over my hair as I try to gather how to explain this to him. "Think of it like having a cut that won't stop bleeding. You can put a bandaid on it, but the blood is going to seep through. This cut is never going to fully heal, and sometimes the blood may take a very long time to seep through the bandage, but it will always seep through eventually."

Toby's quiet as he thinks about what I said, letting it sink in so he can understand me. "And what about the anxiety?"

I laugh. "That's a whole different ball game, dude. I'm a big fucked up ball of apathy and angst." We fall into silence for a few moments. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's not your fault." He squeezes my knee. "Coffee?"

"Yes, please."

★ ★ ★ ★

Tuesday afternoon, after my therapy appointment where I begrudgingly tell Morgan about my episode, Toby texts me to meet him at his car in front of the Science building.

When I arrive, Toby's leaning against his hood while Amy and Shelby talk about something and eat corn dogs. The Poisonous Winter van is parked in the spot next to Toby's car. The others are sitting in the van with the side door wide open. Mahara and Sebastian are playfully arguing about something, and Adrian and Abel are goofing around.

I hadn't expected to see Abel. I still haven't called or texted him. I keep meaning to so we can set up a time to go out again. I like him enough, and I can't keep pining over Toby when he's not available. I need to move on. I think, maybe, Abel can be the guy that can help me get over my feelings for Toby.

I wave at Toby as I beeline to where Abel is sitting on the van. He pushes his long hair out of his face, his cheekbones sharpening as he smiles. "Hey," he says as Adrian slinks away to go bother Amy and Shelby.