Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 26

On Friday morning, we're all standing around the PW van as Abel and Sebastian throw bags inside.

"Two minutes," Abel reminds me as I'm talking to Toby and Amy.

"Bring me back something," Amy says, squeezing me. "I want a 'I love NYC' shirt."

"Those are so touristy."

"Yeah, well, I've never been there, and that's what you get someone who has never been."

I pull back and kiss their cheek. "Fine, I'll bring you a tourist shirt."

"Thank you!"

They dart away to say bye to everyone else. It's just Toby and I, and I don't know why, but I can tell he's nervous for some reason. He keeps playing with his hair, and his eyes keep darting from my face to the space behind me.

"T, you okay?"

"Yeah, man." He runs a hand over his loose dreads, flipping them all over to one side. For some reason I can't explain, I really love when he wears his hair like this. "Just--I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay, tell me."

"Jess!" Shelby calls. "We're leaving with or without you!"

I hold up a finger, signaling for them to give me a moment. "T, what's going on?"

"Nah, man. It's not important." He slaps my shoulder, which he does all the time, but unlike those other times this feels unnatural and forced. "I'll tell you when you get back."

"Jesse, don't make me count to five like you're a child!" Shelby yells from the van.

I flip her off and I can hear laughter coming from the open doors of the van.

I know they're all anxious to get on the road, but I can't bring myself to leave Toby when I know something is bothering him. He's never uneasy, and I hate seeing him all nervous like this. His nervousness is crawling under my skin and making me jittery.

"T, please tell me what's going on."

He puts his hands on my shoulders, leveling me with his eyes. "It's not a big deal, Jay. We can talk when you get back. Everything is good, I promise."

I look at him--into him--to see if he really is okay or if he's just lying to me. I can't tell. "You're sure?"

He gives me a half-smirk. "More than. Go get in the van before Shelby kills you. "

He pulls me into a hug. We've hugged many times over the last few months. We've hugged in excitement, in sadness, and for no reason. He's hugged me when I needed grounding and to calm my nerves, but this hug feels different. He throws his whole weight into it, wrapping me into his arms with his face tucked into my neck like he's afraid to let me go. And it lingers--this is the longest hug we have had to date.

When he pulls back, he looks at me all shy and awkward. It's a look I have never seen before. "Have a good time in New York, yeah?"

I nod, unsure of what to say.

When I turn towards the van, everyone is looking at us. Abel looks obviously, and rightfully pissed.

Ugly, bile inducing guilt drops like lead in my stomach.