Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 22

Wendell has me working in the back, frying and glazing donuts. I prefer working in the kitchen rather than in the front. In the kitchen I can listen to music and dance around--I don't, but I could. I don't have to talk to anyone or try to remember orders. I wish I could work in the back all the time, but Wendell has his five employees on a rotating schedule.

Nana thinks working for Wendell is helping my social anxiety, but I just find it annoying. I would rather not have to listen to strangers chatter about their lives. Call me a dick, but I just don't care that Becky finally got braces at thirty, and I'm sure her date didn't care either. Strangers' lives just aren't particularly interesting to me.

Toby is different from me in that regard. He loves watching people--he says they help him develop characters for his short stories. I think he's just nosy.

A ping interrupts the song I'm listening to as I glaze the lemon-blueberry donuts. The ping is different from the sound I use for text messages, which I usually ignore while I'm at work. This ping is from Facebook, and no one ever messages me on there, so hearing the sound confuses me, and makes me curious enough to see who the hell is contacting me.

I wipe my hands and pull out my phone to see a name I do not recognize: Kelly Piers.

Normally, I just leave my message requests unread until I have time to go in and delete them or forget about them completely, but something tells me to at least scan the message from Kelly before dismissing it.

Dear Jesse,

My name is Kelly Piers. I lived in the same building as your parents when they were attending their senior year at Westbrook. They helped me out in one of the hardest moments in my life. Your parents were gracious and kind people. I will never be able to thank them enough for helping me.

From the pictures I have seen of you over the years, it seems that Monica and Aaron loved you very much, and I could never ask for anything more. That is all I ever wanted for you.

I guess this is where I should tell you that I am your biological mother. I'm so sorry, Jesse. I hate that you are finding out this way, and, honestly, I went back and forth on whether I should contact you or not. Your parents were supposed to tell you when you graduated high school, but I just found out they did not get to tell you before they passed.

I'm so sorry, Jesse. I'm sorry for your loss, and for springing this on you. I just felt like it was time to tell you, and I don't think your grandma was ever going to. I felt like you deserved to know.

I don't know what I can say to make this better. I want to tell you the whole story. I'm living in New York City and would love to meet with you to tell you everything.

If you ever want to meet up, please reach out, but there is no rush or obligation.

Hoping to hear from you,

Kelly.

I'm shaking.

I'm shaking so hard that it's nearly impossible to read anything after, 'I'm your biological mother'.

I hate this.

My head feels like it simultaneously weighs a thousand pounds, and could fly away like a deflating balloon.

I'm adopted.

I'm fucking adopted.

They never told me. My whole life and they never said a word. Not even Nana.

Kelly says Nana might have never told me. Why would she try to keep that from me?

Still shaking, I punch in Nana's number.

"Hell--"

"I'm adopted!"

"Jess--"

"Tell me the truth."

Nana sighs heavily. "Yes, you're adopted."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

She dodges the question by asking, "How did you find out?"

"Kelly messaged me on Facebook."

"Ah." Nana's pursing her lips, I just know it. "Of course she did."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Your parents were going to tell you over the summer, but then they--they died." Her voice rises with every word she speaks, and I hate that I am causing her to lose it. "And then you tried--tried--you went to Sunny Side. How could I tell you then? After you were released you were so determined to start over and have a clean slate, I couldn't mess that up!"

"Okay." My voice is small. I had called her to be angry, to accuse her of keeping this secret, but now I feel so guilty for the volume of her voice, and her heavy breathing as if she had just run a mile. "I'm sorry, Nana."

"Where are you?" Her voice is back to normal, but she sounds exhausted.

"Work."

I'm so tired.

I'm so fucking tired of going off the deep end. I'm so tired of all the bullshit I have been dealing with since April. I just want to be able to breathe, to not feel like the weight of the world is crushing me.

"I have--I have to go back to glazing these donuts, Nana."

"Jess-bug--"

I hang up on her. Something I have never dared to do in my life.

I slide to the floor, leaning back against the chrome counter. The cool metal on my back sort of calms me.

I'm still shaking. My breathing is coming out fast and uneven. I'm trying to remember the calming techniques Morgan taught me, like counting to twenty, but for some reason, my brain forgot what comes after twelve.

A few moments later, Wendell comes in. "Your nan called. You're going home."

"No, I--"

"That's not a request." Wendell sighs, blowing out his bushy mustache. "I'm so sorry you found out this way, Jesse."

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know where I want to be, but not here where Wendell is looking at me in pity. "Okay, I'll go home, but I can't drive."

"I'll call Toby."

★ ★ ★ ★

Twenty minutes later, I'm still in the same spot, but Toby arrives. He's dressed in his practice uniform. His face is etched with so much concern, I'm afraid he's going to give himself permanent wrinkles.

"Jay."

The sound of his voice releases everything that has been building up for the past half hour, and I just fucking sob. Something inside of me starts to loosen just because he's here. Just because I can look at him, I feel some of my tension ease.

He kneels, gathering me into a hug, and though I'm still shaking, my head doesn't feel as heavy and floaty as it did. I hug him back tight, turning my face into his neck to hide from Wendell and Patrick as they stand in the doorway watching.

I'm angry and embarrassed but thank God Toby is here.