Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 12

"Hey, Jesse," Our neighbor, Felix, greets me on the way into Jupiter Hall.

I pass with him with a slight nod, not really hearing him because Peter Murphy is blasting in my ears.

The dorm is dark when I enter, Toby always makes sure he closes the curtains when he leaves because the sudden bright light gives me a headache.

The room smells good, like chocolate, and I shake my head. Toby's been obsessed with chocolate Poptarts, and even bought a toaster so he could warm them up without having to pause his anime and leave the dorm to use the toaster in the community kitchen.

I turn on the light, and drop my backpack near my bed, and see a mint green mug with a paper leaning against it on my desk.

Upon further inspection, I find that the chocolate smell is coming from the cup. Toby had made me a mug cake complete with cream cheese frosting.

I can't help the smile that splits my face. "Freaking nerd," I whisper to the empty room.

Under the note is a small pin of the ace flag. I open the folded paper to read what Toby had written, but his messy scrawl is hard to decipher. I can finally make out what the note says after a few attempts.

I heard aces like cake.

So, here's one to remind you that you're valid.

Hope you like chocolate.

My cheeks hurt from the dumb smile that has yet to leave my face. I fold the note again and stick it in the drawer where I keep my pens.

I settle on my bed with my cake and boot up my Switch. Even as I play Super Smash Bros, and devour my treat, the smile does not leave my face.

★ ★ ★ ★

An hour later, Toby comes back from his class. He's humming the theme song to Tokyo Ghoul as he drops his backpack on the floor by his bed. He stops when he sees the half-eaten cake, and the pin stuck to my backpack.

"You got my gift." He hops onto the bed next to me, taking the controller so he can finish my round of Mario Kart.

"You're such a dork," I reply, nudging him with my shoulder.

"Don't hit me! You're gonna make me lose the lead!"

I watch him play for a few moments, wondering if he knows how much that simple gesture means to me.

He finishes the race in second place and puts the controller on the gray bedspread to look at me.

"Seriously, Tobe, thank you." I pause, searching for words while I play with the hole in the knee of my jeans. "When I came out to Alan, I think he didn't really understand what being ace means to me. I think he thought that since I was okay with some sexual activities, then I would be okay with all sexual activities. He thought it was because I hadn't found the right guy--that Benjamin wasn't the right guy."

"And what did Benjamin say?"

"He thought I was lying because I didn't want to have sex with him."

Toby turns even more towards me, tucking one leg under the other. We're sitting so close that our legs are touching, and he places one of his hands on my knee.

I swallow. This is what I call Toby's "I'm fully invested" pose. He always sits like this--one leg tucked under the other--when he's about to have a deep conversation with someone. This is how he sat when he told me about the day his mom left, and when I told him about my falling out with Alan.

I don't know why, but I love this pose. I don't have to doubt whether he's actually listening to me or not, I just know he's fully paying attention to me.

"Listen to me, Jay. You are fucking valid. Okay?"

I hesitate. These are the same words I have been telling myself for ten months, but for some reason, I can't get that to connect in my brain.

I'm valid.

I'm valid.

Maybe if I keep telling myself, then I'll actually feel like it's true.

"I fucking love you, man," he says.

I chuckle at the unexpected words. "I love you, too?"

"When I came out as bi in tenth grade, everyone gave me so much shit. They all thought I was gay but was too scared to come all the way out. I can't tell you how lost I felt. I was too gay for the cishet men in my school and too straight for the out kids at my school. So, trust me, I know how it feels to feel like an outsider."

"I didn't know you felt like that."

Toby shrugs. "It is what it is."

I take his hand from my knee, squeezing his fingers. They're callused from playing basketball. "I'm gonna tell you what you told me: you're fucking valid, T. Anyone who made you doubt yourself and your sexuality is a fucking idiot."

Why is it easier to say "you're valid" to Toby, than it is to accept it for myself? Why do I still feel like part of me is broken?

I realize that even though I know I'm ace, even though I came out as ace, I still haven't fully accepted that I am ace. And I think it's because part of me blames my asexuality for Benjamin breaking up with me.

That's a whole ass can of worms I definitely do not want to open right now.

Toby blows out a puff of air, rolling his eyes at me. "This is too heavy after an hour of math." He uncoils from The Pose and turns back towards the TV. "You ready for me to kick your ass?"

"Yeah, right!" I hand him the rest of the mug cake and pick up the controller.

"For me?" He digs in. There's frosting on the corner of his lip when he pulls the fork away. "You shouldn't have."

I laugh. "Shut up and start the game."