dissident ｡ nct

5.3 ｡

—Part 5.3—
No Good at Goodbyes

"Goodbyes are not my thing."
—Katsumi—

Bleak grays filled my vision. Surrounding me was that quiet, wordless faction of the Abnegation who didn't dare look around.

I'd chosen this faction to blend in and live an easy life, but I didn't realize just how boring they could be. They didn't dare fight back when the Erudite muttered the degrading terms against the Abnegation. I hated how weak they were.

A lot of them seemed to have no life in their eyes. They gazed out into the distance with no thoughts, ignorant to the harsh comments directed at them. They didn't dare fight back. Was that considered to be out of character for them?

I opted to blend in. I stared out into the distance, trying to keep no thoughts within my head. I watched as the people scurried around. I listened to the mutters of incoherent words from a few feet away. I wasn't focused on them.

My focus was on the five marble bowls that stood on the stage, drawing my attention to them no matter what I do.

Why did I even pick Abnegation?

Maybe it was for the safer, easier life blended within the gray shadows. Maybe because it was the easiest faction to blend into—Abnegations barely interacted with each other. Maybe I just wanted to live easily.

Or maybe, I was still too attached to my old life in the factionless.

As an Abnegation, I'd probably see them often. I could probably sneak to Sungchan and my family under the pretense of being charitable. I could help them out. I could see my family again, talk to my friends again, and visit home again. I'd be able to keep my ties with the factionless while staying in Abnegation. In a way, that's a selfless trait, right?

I'm not selfless.

Leaving them was obviously selfish. My hesitation on leaving Abnegation was obviously selfish. I left to live a new life, not to be attached to the past. I purposely didn't tell anyone I was leaving—goodbyes were never my thing. Being a part of the factionless made me feel weak, no matter how advanced we were for the impoverished. I was tired of constantly being looked down on, so why would I have stayed?

Why should I stay?

They started off with the Amity, and I watched as each person walks up to the marble, not even flinching when the blade dug into their skin. They were braver than I expected considering how they're all about peace. Plus, they were another relatively safe faction.

Amity could be a choice.

Next, the Erudite move—a faction I immediately rolled my eyes at. They were weak for looking down on the other factions, thinking that was the only way to lift themselves up. They prided themselves over knowledge but were clearly greedy for power. They fell into their greed. That's what made them weak.

Definitely not going there.

While the Erudite continued to be called, I glanced over at the Candor, upright in their positions.

What are they again—right, honesty.

I couldn't imagine being honest for the rest of my life. Lawful and just? Especially when I just hacked into the Erudite servers? I wanted to scoff at the ludicrosity. That's probably the most dangerous place for me to be.

Finally, the Dauntless remained. I thought about it for a moment. The Dauntless focused on bravery, strength, but also oppressed those they saw in the streets. They weren't as bad as the Erudite—they didn't have egotistical tendencies as their only personality trait. Whenever I saw them purposely disregard the factionless, though, I wanted to punch them in the face.

Teach them a lesson? That's not a bad idea.

Soon, they started calling out the Abnegation. I'd narrowed my choices down to two; Amity and Dauntless. It was ironic that I was considering both of them, considering their ideals were the exact opposite of each other.

I watched as others shakily made their way onto the grandeur stage, trembling as they took the knife from the leader's hands. Was it really that nerve-wracking? It was just a simple choice—a matter of where you best fit.

Were these people attached? Were they hesitant because of the fucked up society of Seoul? I couldn't understand why they were so nervous. It seemed like another choice for me. Another choice out of the millions I made every day.

"Nakaya Sumi."

The second my name was mentioned, chaos ensued in my brain. I had been so immersed in observing the people around me that I'd forgotten to decide between Amity and Dauntless.

Scrambling, I rushed over to the stage, gripping the knife tightly before moving over to the five marble bowls. My brain immediately skipped toward the crackling coals of Dauntless and the rich soil of Amity.

Dauntless was as violent as the factionless was. Maybe that's not a good idea for me...

My hand raised over Amity as I dug the blade into my palm, gritting my teeth at the stinging sensation. I glared at the crimson droplet as it slowly traveled down my palm, resisting gravity right at the very edge. Just as the first droplet was about to fall, I remembered something.

I've stolen food from Amity—they'd know me.

Without even a second thought, my hand moved over to the obsidian coals. I clenched my palm harder, holding in the pain to keep my composure. Finally, the first droplet fell, forcing me back toward the violence I was leaving.

"Dauntless."

Cheers could be heard from miles away by those dressed in black, yet the side of the Abnegation was completely silent. I wondered if they ever naturally conversed like the other factions.

Feeling much more confident in my choice with the resounding cheers, I strode over to the designated section with a smirk, taking my place among the faction transfers.

This would definitely be better. Minus the violent aspects, the Dauntless valued bravery. They weren't weak. That's all I needed.

At least, that's all I thought I needed to cut away from my previous life in the factionless.