dissident ｡ nct

8.4 ｡

—Part 8.4—
Ashes 

"No point in holding on to the past when the only other possible destination is the Factionless." 
—Anzhi–

Whereas everyone, including Isol and Jisung, had left to burn their clothes as instructed by Renjun, I'd stayed behind.

I couldn't move at that moment.

Everyone seemed to move with only the slightest hesitation, quickly accepting what their new life entailed. Instead, my feet were frozen, drenched in ice as my hands quivered. Usually, I had a thousand thoughts burning in my head. Now, my head was empty.

I didn't feel comfy in these clothes—simply because they were unfamiliar. Even if the lifeless black hugged my skin instead of the earthly colors that had surrounded me all my life, I'd felt bare as if I wasn't wearing anything at all.

It was getting harder and harder not to doubt my choices, something I'd never done before. That was basically my motto. Never regret my choices. Yet here I stood, stilled in hesitation and riddled with confusion.

I could hear droplets of water echo against the rusted faucets and sinks, breaking the harsh silence like an incessant alarm. Every splatter forced my brain to start thinking again, slowly and peacefully.

Wasn't it too harsh to burn our own clothes?

Even if I slowly came around to being a part of the Dauntless, I was now being stripped of the opportunity to think back to my life before the choosing ceremony. I was being coerced to destroy my past, not to move on from it. There was no area of growth here. It's too fucking harsh.

I glanced down at the soft pants and shirt I'd worn to the choosing ceremony today, fingers slowly mending the silky clothing. A frown lingered as I realized I had no choice but to burn these clothes—unless I wanted to show I was weak and get booted out to the Factionless.

Shivers ran down my spine just by the thought of it.

Just when I thought of moving to burn them, memories of my family came into my head. Burning this would be like burning the memories of my past.

That and...I'd spent too much effort making these clothes.

Yes, the outfit was one of the few outfits I liked during my time within the Amity not only because it's pretty but also because I made it. My hands spent hours of long hard effort to produce this dress, and now I had to burn it.

Who wouldn't be upset? I couldn't just waste all that effort and burn my own creations.

"Why does everyone have to have this badass aura here?" I mumbled to myself as I slowly brought my feet to move out of the spot they were once grounded in.

"Jump onto the train, or go join the Factionless! Leap down to your death! Co-dorm with all these creeps! Burn your old clothes, and join our cult! Get your daily dose of insanity at the Dauntless compound!"

I continued to mock everything I'd experienced today as I made my way over to the fire pit, clothes in my hands. Whereas our different clothing shined within the compound previously, the new obsidian material was a chameleon within the gray metal corridors.

I came to a stop as the last few who lingered near the fire walked away, my eyes immediately trailing over to the familiar tall raven-haired male. Memories of the previous incidents burned into my head once again, forcing me to quickly avert my gaze and slap my cheeks harshly.

Focus, Anzhi.

I took the first piece of clothing into my palm—my right sock. I crumbled the smooth material within my hand, waiting for the perfect moment to chuck the stinky sock in. Of course, I didn't make my own socks too. After running around in these socks all day, I'd come to a point where I didn't want to see them anymore.

I became mesmerized as the flames rose for a few seconds, almost roaring as I ended up launching both socks into the fiery pit.

The flames taunted me to feed it more, let it burn the cotton material with ease.

So I did.

One by one, I dropped everything I had in my arms straight into the middle of the bright embers, my eyes barely flinching as if in a trance. Only when I had nothing left to burn did I realize I'd finished, blinking before quickly moving away from the fire.

That was...easier than I thought?

I hadn't expected myself to truly be able to give up something that had value to me, but when the moment came, the decision was clear.

I hated my previous lifestyle too much to care about some measly clothes.

Being a part of Amity held me back. The only moments that made me doubt my decisions as I walked into Dauntless were the values that were drilled into me since I was a child. Conversations I spoke with Sicheng had come into mind, and I started to doubt my own decisions.

Yet when it came to relinquishing my past, it was much easier than I thought—simply because my heart knew I didn't want to go back.

With my strongest smile since I'd entered the Dauntless compound, I moved toward the dining hall within the pit, a bounce now presents in each step I took.

I was solid in my embrace of this new life now—the idea of becoming truly Dauntless wasn't scaring me. Instead, I was rather excited about a new lifestyle altogether, something different from the tedious actions I'd performed in Amity.

Plus, there's no point in holding on to the past when the only other possible destination is the Factionless.