dissident ｡ nct

9.3 ｡

—Part 9.3—
Guilty as Charged

"If I wasn't so weak..."
—Anzhi—

I couldn't sleep.

I'd been tossing and turning within the cot that's supposed to be my bed for what felt like hours, ruffling the flimsy, coarse material with the pads of my fingers. I tried to close my eyes, cover my face with a pillow to the point where I almost suffocated, and even kick off all the blankets due to the intense heat.

Nothing worked.

Come on, Anzhi. Just close your eyes and sleep.

Yet the minute I closed my eyes, her blacked-out face seared into my head. Guilt washed over me like the infinite seas, drowning me in regret as my actions continued to echo within my mind. Hatred engulfed me—first at the situation, then at Jaehyun, and finally at me.

If I wasn't so weak, I would've stopped punching her.

Even though the sparring matches were designed to help give me the courage that I could succeed in the life of the Dauntless, I'd never felt more pathetic for doing that to someone I was just getting close with.

If it was Somun, I would've gladly landed more punches. Getting beat up by all of the Dauntless wasn't enough for that creep.

But Hua? She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve my weakness to stop my own cruel actions, all to avoid being on Jaehyun's bad side.

Stop thinking that way. You did what you had to do.

A bereaved sigh escaped my lips as I sat up, trying to focus on something within the pure darkness.

I need air.

Slowly, I pushed myself off the bed, bare feet flinching at the chilling rough floor of the room. I hopped on my feet as I slid on my black combat shoes, dusting off my hands with my leggings. I maneuvered around to the best of my ability to find the door. My hands grazed bed after bed until finally, the cool metal handle came into my grip. I slowly cracked the door open, pulling it back just enough for me to escape.

Only when I heard the door click back into its place did I take in the air of the open compound.

Instead of thinking about where to go, I moved without worry. My footsteps echoed within the metal corridors and rocky ceilings, every movement resounding within the unnaturally quiet compound.

I guess even the Dauntless nightlife has its time to rest.

I didn't quite comprehend where I was going until the night sky came into my vision. I gasped at the feeling of the soft winds, taking a moment to revel in the fresh air. It was just what I needed.

A frown still lingered on my face as I turned the corner to see the rest of the hidden rooftop. The Erudite building was a beacon in the midst of darkness, lighting everything surrounding—including the rooftop I trod on.

I reached the edge, scraping my palm against the brittle concrete before tilting my head up at the moon.

Despite the relaxation of my body, my mind was still uneasy.

What if...she got kicked out?

I was sure she would go insane then. The guilt from punching her brutally was already eating me alive—I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if she got kicked out after one spar.

I fell deep into my thoughts, my downturned corners feeling permanent as I gazed out into the ruins of the old Seoul.

"Are you okay?" a deep voice rang out in the air, and I let out a yelp.

Who the fu-

I quickly turned around to see Jisung standing a couple of feet away from me, his hand seemingly nervously scratching his neck. However, my eyes only trailed to his face, awed by the way his messy black hair fell over his eyes and his lips pursed in worry.

I quickly shook my head, letting out a nervous chuckle before turning back around.

"I-I- was just thinking."

I was hoping that would be enough for him to leave so that he wouldn't see me in a weaker state compared to the more carefree facade I tried to show. Yet my efforts failed, as I soon found him leaning against the same concrete barrier that surrounded the rooftop.

"If you're worried about Hua, I'm sure she's fine," Jisung spoke up, breaking the silence once again.

I looked up at him from the side before twisting my body to face him, standing upright once again.

"R-Really?"

"So that's what's been bothering you?"

Slowly, my head lowered until I was looking at my shoes that almosts blended in with the floor. "I can't stop replaying today's fight."

Jisung hummed, unsure of what to say. He usually wasn't one to initiate conversation or go out of his way to help someone, yet here he was. He'd been doing things out of his way ever since he joined Dauntless.

It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable at all—instead, I felt more at peace talking to him normally instead of avoiding him.

"She already recovered, so I'm sure she's fine."

I snapped my head back up to look at Jisung, eyes wide in the moonlight. "Really?!" Jisung nodded his head, and relief coursed through my body as I mumbled, "oh thank God."

At least she'd already recovered—whether she hated me now or not didn't matter. Knowing she was safe was enough for some of the guilt to ease away from me.

Without a second thought, my arms wrapped around Jisung in a thankful hug, glad to have gotten some closure. I didn't even realize what I was doing until the already stiffened Jisung cleared his throat.

Oh shit—

Barely a millisecond later, I pushed away from him, mirroring the look of shock that had etched his handsome face. I stumbled backward toward the entrance to the rooftop, jaw opening and closing I tried to say something.

"I-I'm gonna just- uh- go...? Y-Yeah, see you tomorrow Jisun-"

I bolted into stairs that led back into the Dauntless compound, my face red and my heart beating faster than I'd thought was humanly possible. I snuck back into sleeping quarters without much thought, the past few events looping in my head.

I-I just did that. Why did I just do that? Anzhi you idiot-

I tried to catch my breath and force myself to sleep, trying to get my mind off of what I'd just done. Yet as the minutes passed by, I couldn't get how warm the hug was despite the freezing twilight air out of my head.

I now had a new reason I couldn't sleep—I just hugged Park Jisung.