A Little Bit Yours

Chapter VI - The Tree House

We make our way to the tree house. My mind is racing at this moment, we have decided to remain friends and only friends and I don't think that this will help us in any way. Ella doesn't say much on the way there and honestly to me this feels like a comfortable silence. I wonder if at any point, had we made a different choice, our lives could've been different. I don't know if Ella ever thinks about things that way, maybe it is just the part of me that 6 years ago would've done everything possible and impossible to keep this girl.
I will never be able to describe how it feels to be around her. It's like I can breathe for the first time but at the same time it's suffocating. It's like my heart skips a beat and beats the fastest it ever has. How could someone ever dare explain love, when it makes you feel the greatest person in the world and the unworthiest one, all at once? Don't call me an hopeless romantic, I'm nothing of the sort.

You know Josh, love is a thing that cannot be explained. You're into books so allow me to refer you to a quote from one that you love, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return". Please don't quote Moulin Rouge at this time of the night. It's the truth and you know it. You fell in love with each other 6 years ago and after all this time you're here, and the feelings you have for each other are clear as day, you're avoiding the inevitable. 

"Lost in your thoughts again?" Ella's voice snaps me out of my inner monologue and her arm wraps around mine as she gets closer to me. A part of me wants to push away, however, not only does it feel good, it also could hurt her feelings which is something that I don't want to do. "Sometimes I would honestly like to read your mind."

I can't help but laugh and shake my head. "Trust me, that's not at all something that you would like to do." The three house becomes visible and I untangle our arms so we can climb up. I can tell that Ella is waiting for me to finish what I was saying. "You know a bit more of my story now so you can easily tell that my mind can be a dark place and that's not for everyone."

Ella stares at the night sky in silence for a moment and judging by the look on her face it's clear that she's debating with herself and trying to find the right thing to say. It's stupid but it's scary to me to see how scared she is to lose me. She is terrified that saying the wrong thing will make me pull away and go back to being as cold as I was with her. This is not something that I want, however, it's my defense mechanism, I push people away so I can protect myself and avoid getting hurt. 

"I do know that you went through a lot but that doesn't make you less of who you are." Her voice is soft even though she avoids looking directly at me, giving me the chance to really take in her moonlit features and how beautiful she actually is. "You need to stop thinking about what happened as something that flawed you, more like a thing that shaped you into you. You wouldn't be yourself without your story and that's what makes it beautiful."

Play Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran

Ella's eyes meet mine this time and for a long minute we just sit there staring at each other. My heart is screaming at me to kiss her, to show her how much I love her but I can't. It's not your head stopping you, home boy. Sometimes I think you are more my heart than my brain, Jack. "You know what I miss the most?" I shake my head and gesture for her to continue. "Those car rides were we would just listen to music together. I still have a whole playlist of the songs we used to hear." Even in the dim light I can tell that the heat was reaching her cheeks as she was admitting this to me like it was one of her darkest secrets. I'm not crying, you are. "It makes me feel comfortable when I feel more down, I don't know, happy memories I guess.."

"I think we've both always felt like music was a good escape for us." My eyes drift from her to the night sky and I lower my voice. "And also that we probably looked at each other like an even better escape than that."