A Little Bit Yours

Chapter XIII - The Decisions

As soon as we arrive at the top of the tree house, I take off my jacket and lay it down on the floor so Ella doesn't need to sit directly on the floor and risk dirtying her dress. She smiles and takes my hand to help her sit down and then I proceed to sit down beside her. 

"So, are you going to tell me now why you were looking back at me during the vows?" I ask and bump my shoulder with hers softly.

"Are you going to tell me first why you were looking at me? You did start it." She counter attacks and I shake my head. "C'mon, tell me all about it."

"Quick question first." I raise my hands as she rolls her eyes at me. "Are we here to be brutally honest or are we meant to not say what we really feel and just play it cool for the sake of being friends?"

Ella places her index finger on her chin as she pretends to consider her options. It's good to see her in a light mood, it reminds me of the days where we had no concerns and we could just talk and have fun around each other. When the skies weren't so grey hovering over our heads, but I do guess that in order to have a rainbow, you need to face a little rain first. I just deeply hope that the amount of rain that fell over our heads didn't drown what was ours forever. "I think I'm going to go with option A, brutally honest."

"You asked for it, just remember that." She nods and I inhale deeply before saying my next words. "When we walked down the aisle today, I couldn't help but imagine that it could've been us one day. I could be the one waiting for you in that aisle, as you would come in arm in arm with your father with what I'm sure would be the most beautiful dress, just don't tell Care, on the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Then, that led to me looking at you during the vows since the words they said are very similar to what I feel about you. Those were the words I wish I could someday say to you if I could ever call you mine again."

Ella is slightly taken back by my honesty and I can see the inner conflict in her eyes. "You chose brutal honesty, I expect nothing less from you now, Ellie. No matter if it hurts, just tell me."

"It's the same reason, Josh. How could it not be?" Ella sighs and looks up at the sky. "Every time you show up, you turn my life upside down. You showed up 8 years ago and taught me how to love, you came back 2 years ago and taught me heartache. What are you going to teach me this time?"

"I could apologize hundreds of times for what I did, but I will not change anything, Ella." I say, almost in desperation. "I truly wish that it would, that I could somehow go back to that night and just support you and tell you that I would go to the US, hell, I would go anywhere in the fucking world for you, I would follow you anywhere if it meant not losing you."

"Josh, those are all beautiful things to say, but what am I supposed to do?" Ella raises her hands and tries to remain calm, it seems that it's hard for both of us to have this conversation like two grown adults. "The last time you showed up, I wasn't in a good relationship and I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, my decision was very easy when it came to deciding to chase my feelings for you or not. But now, I'm actually in a good relationship with a man that although he has his faults, he would do anything for me. Am I supposed to ditch that to stay with you under which guarantee that you're not just going to get up and leave again?"

"I thought you said inside that you thought you were happy but you weren't sure, I thought something had changed..." My voice lowers down and so do my expectations of ever being able to win Ella back. You can't give up that easily, Josh, you are meant to be and it's about time that you both start acting like it. She fought so much for you in the past, it's time for you to do that for her now.

"I don't know what I feel, Josh. I can't compare what I felt to you to what I feel for him because there's no possible comparison. You were this epic, ground shaking love, he's the safe love, the one that I know I won't get hurt that easily." Ella leans her forehead against my shoulder and I can see that her debate is mostly with herself and what is the best for her. "I don't know which one is the best or better one. I don't know if I should follow my head or my heart."