The College JJ Series

revelations

REQUESTED: @ryryghfjsk and @lexispizzirri had really similar requests so I combined the two

Summary: JJ has a bad dream involving you and his dad; you get a glimpse into JJ's rough past

~

He hadn't had one for a long time; the PTSD-esque nightmares had been few and far between, and their intensity wasn't nearly at the level it was when he first moved out of his dad's place at sixteen. The recent visit to Kildare Island has triggered them again, bringing him out of a dead sleep more times than he cared to admit in recent weeks.

This one was the worst by far, though. This one had him sitting upright in bed, gasping for air as he clutched at his chest. Tears gathered at his waterline, blurring his vision.

You were in this one.

The nightmare was already fading from memory, but a few images were burned behind his eyes. Luke Maybank cackling at the idea that his son was dating the daughter of the woman he killed. You walking into his childhood home, a look of concern on your face from all the yelling. You crumpled to the ground, bloodied and beaten at the hands of his father, who stood over you with wild, bloodshot eyes and half-empty pill bottles rattling in his pockets. The sound of his own voice, screaming for you to wake up as he hoisted your limp body from the floor.

A quick glance at his phone tells him it's after 3:00 am. He rips his comforter back from his body and climbs out of bed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. He tugs at the strands as he paces, trying to think of a way to calm himself down. He's pulling his phone from the charger and tapping on your name from his favorites before he's even registered he's done it.

"Hello?" you answer groggily, not quite comprehending what's happening. It wasn't unusual for JJ to call you after a drunken night out, but you knew he hadn't drank a drop tonight because he had a chapter meeting, then he went to the library to work on a group project for class. He'd come home right after to study for a quiz, and then had gone to bed early.

"Y/n."

The way he says your name tells you something is amiss. You can hear it in his tone, the way his breath comes out quickly, as most as if he's panting.

"J? What's wrong?" you ask, sitting up in bed.

There's a long pause. "I... I had a bad dream." You hear him sniffle. "I need you."

That's all you need to hear. You toss your comforter back, throw on the first pair of shoes you can find,  and grab your keys. "I'll be there in a few."

~

You hustle the two blocks to his apartment, dodging a few drunk people stumbling home from the bars. You take the stairs two at a time, and the front door opens as you step on to the landing. Your heart breaks when you see him, his red rimmed eyes and messier-than-usual hair giving away just how emotional he's feeling. You wordlessly wrap him in a tight hug, hearing his breath catch when you collide with his chest.

"It's okay, it's okay," you whisper, trailing one of your hands up and down his back soothingly. He just stands there in the open doorway with you, holding on for dear life. You can feel the collar of your shirt getting damp, and you feel your heart crack a little more.

JJ holds you until his eyes are dry and his breathing evens out a bit. When you feel his grip loosen, you take a slight step back and shut the door behind you, setting the deadbolt.

"Let's go to your room," you suggest, and he nods, threading his fingers through yours.

In his room, he leads you to the bed and immediately pulls you into his grasp again once the two of you are settled on the mattress. He pulls the covers up over you, cocooning you in warmth.

"Do you want to talk about it?" you ask, combing your fingers through his hair.

He ponders the question for a minute. You knew absolutely nothing about what he'd been through growing up, and he had selfishly wanted to keep it that way because he was afraid of how you would react. Sharing that part of his life with you was inevitable, though, and while he wasn't going to divulge everything to you tonight, he thought he could at least let you in on enough to understand the nightmare.

"Um," he takes a breath, looking anywhere but your face. The look of concern in your eyes matched the way you looked on his dream, and it was making him emotional all over again. "So you know how I told you I moved in with John B when I was sixteen?"

"Yeah," you answer, unsure how this relates to his bad dream.

"It was because my dad and I fought a lot, and I just couldn't take it anymore," he says.

"Lots of kids fight with their parents, J, it happens," you say, and he shakes his head.

"Not like we did."

The gears are turning in your head as you try to understand what he means, but you were still half asleep. "I don't..."

He sighs and pulls you into his chest, tucking your head under his chin. "He... hit you... in my dream. You were all bruised and bloodied... unconscious..."

"Oh, JJ," you gasp, your eyes welling up with realization. Your chest tightens, making it hard to breathe.

"I used to have nightmares about it after I left, but they faded over time. I started having them again after we came back from the island, but this was the first time you were there."

"When did it start? When did he first...?" You don't want to say the words out loud, as if not saying them keeps it from being real.

"Not long after he got out of jail and I moved back in with him. I was ten," he answers. "He was self-medicating." He sniffles. "I put up with it for six years."

Despite your best efforts, a sob escapes, and JJ holds you impossibly tighter. "I'm so sorry," you manage to whisper.

"It's not your fault," he assures you.

"It's not yours, either," you reply, your voice cracking.

He hums in response. "That's not what he thought."

You don't even know what to say. You knew such a thing existed in the world; shitty parents who beat their children; but you'd never known anyone personally who dealt with that kind of abuse. The kind of heartbreak that made you feel was unlike anything you'd ever felt. You couldn't even begin to imagine the physical and emotional toll it had taken on him.

He didn't want to talk anymore after that. You had questions you weren't sure you wanted detailed answers to, but, knowing JJ, you were certain he'd never talked to anyone about his father or processed the abuse he had endured all those years. He needed to talk about it, but tonight wasn't the time. You just held him silently, combing your fingers through his hair until he fell asleep again.

You couldn't sleep, though. When you had initially found out there was a strained relationship between him and his dad, you didn't think it was because of something like this. You assumed absenteeism, a lack of showing affection, neglect—but not physical abuse. Your memories of Luke Maybank weren't pleasant, but you always tried to see the good in people. Even after he killed your mom while driving drunk, you had hoped he would get help for his drinking problem and clean up his act. The reality was that is only got worse as time went on, with JJ bearing the brunt of his growing addictions.

As JJ shifts further into your embrace in his sleep, you make a silent vow to protect him. As long as he would let you, you would be there to protect him from the likes of Luke Maybank, or anyone else who tried to hurt him in anyway. As your brain finally settled and you started to drift off a little while later, you felt three little words roll to the tip of your tongue. You held them there, processing the feeling of your revelation.

It was too early, you rationalized. Barely two months into dating; you couldn't possibly have fallen so hard that quickly. You only felt this way because of the fierce protective instinct that overpowered you in the moment.

The longer you lay there, though, the more you realize it's not just that. You did love JJ; you always had, albeit not in the same way. You were afraid you'd scare him away if you told him this soon, so you resign yourself to holding it in and waiting for the right moment to tell him how you really feel.

authors note:
saturday morning sad feels