19. MURDERER

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He is still breathing. Even though his body had suffered such severe trauma, against all odds, he was still breathing. Every breath taken was a pain, a struggle. And I knew I had to end it. I slowly placed my palms against the jaguar's neck. "Sorry..." I could hear William whisper as my claws went through the creature's throat. It let out a whimpering noise, and William looked away. When I removed my hands from the cat's neck they were covered in blood. I thought of the hyenas, the polar bear and the green dragon I had faced before. Now I could add another victim to my ever expanding list; the jaguar. I was once again reminded of the big difference between hunters and murderers. As a hunter, a predator, you killed fast, attacking seemingly from nowhere. The goal was always to do it so fast your prey almost wouldn't feel a thing. This... this was something entirely different. This was cruelty, and a disturbance to the laws of Mother Nature. It was awfully grouseome, I felt terribly wrong, and the worst of it was I wasn't even done yet! There still was a lion left I had to kill. Fortunately for me, the two remaining cats had started fighting on their own while I was in the air, and the lion had come out victorious. A sense of relief washed over me knowing I wouldn't have to bear responsibility for taking the life of another jaguar. But despite this small relief, I still felt awful. I didn't know how much longer my mind could take this. When will I finally break down? Will I become like so many other dragons here, devoid of any sense of self?
The male lion turned around and looked me in the eye. When meeting his golden eyes I saw a soul, not a blind animal. It made me hesitate, doubt my own morale. Is it even worth it to keep going? What do I gain from winning? I don't know anymore. It is all a loop, a never ending cycle of battles...
Those eyes said so much more than any words could. Whatever horrors he had gone through, I felt them.
I had done my part and he had done his.
We stared at each other, and be it my delusional interpretation or not- it felt as if we were admitting that we both were murderers, and that we soon had to fight and kill again. We were both strong, creatures of might. Once respected, now humiliated and reduced to entertainers for humankind. May his soul find peace soon. We started to move towards each other. The arena was silent in anticipation. Circling around, observing each other's every movement to spot weaknesses. Suddenly, we heard a human scream something, and for a split second our attention went to the human crowd. "Now!" William outburst and my whole body reacted the same second, performing a great leap towards the lion. I landed swiftly on the lion's back and locked my wings around his stomach to secure my grip. For the moment, I thought I was victorious. But he soon roared in protest, and proceeded to lay down and roll over. I was just able to take the weight put on me, but the tables had turned. He had the power now. His jaws opened wide, ready to strike a deadly bite into my neck, when suddenly my hind legs found footing underneath his ribs and pushed to my fullest strength. He recoiled, landed on his back with a thud, but quickly got up again.

I need to switch tactics, I can't win using raw strength.
So I puffed out my mane, took a wider, sturdy stance and broadened my wings. Intimidation. Maybe I was reaching for straws, but I gave it my all. In my head I took on a mean role to boost myself up, anything to lessen my empathy; You annoy me. I am not going to be beaten by some human bred creature. I am not going to let you win this, I will kill you.
We once again stared at each other, this time with a confident spark in my eye. I puffed and growled. His face shoved subtle signs of fear. It was in that split second of a moment, that I knew I had the advantage. "Die..." I uttered, giving in to the role I'd made up in my head, exposing my teeth and fangs to their fullest. "Blue..?" William asked. I didn't answer, my eyes were fixated on my enemy. I proceeded with my intimidation efforts. "Are you okay Blue?" William repeated, worryingly. He knew something was off, but I couldn't answer him. I was riding a rush of adrenaline, giving in to my aggressions and entering my most animalistic self. "Die!" I shouted, standing up on my hind legs, stretching out my wings as far as possible.

I swung my claws with the goal to slash and grip the lion's face

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I swung my claws with the goal to slash and grip the lion's face. I could feel it all happening; when my claws first touched the lion's head, then clawing his eyes into shreds. What unfolded next was chaotic, with the lion roaring out in pain and swinging his claws left and right in an attempt to hit me. But he was blind, and so I took advantage of that. I leaped to his right, took to the air just slightly above him and ambushed his neck from above with my jaws. I missed, and instead locked my fangs into his skull. But it was too late to switch grip amidst the chaos, so instead I kept pressing more and more. I felt my teeth dig deeper and deeper, through fur and skin until... it cracked.
I released my grip on his head, and landed on the sand with my back facing him. Behind me I heard the body of the lion fall down, dead. I had won. Fuelled by adrenaline, I rose onto my hind legs and let out a victorious roar. The human crowd loved it, and congratulated me loudly. I was completely encapsulated in the moment. "What are you doing? Blue? Snap out of it!" William said scoldingly, bursting my bubble. I was slowly pulled back to reality. "Blueberry, turn around..."
I did as he said. The sight I faced shocked me. In front of me laid the dead lion. As expected, the skull had been fractured, and blood was gushing from it, but there was more... his lower jaw was missing.

Did.. did I do that? When..?
I got chills all over my body, and a sense of terror took hold of me. Blood, nerves and flesh laid spread out in places they shouldn't be, and the tongue had been ripped apart from the jaw and laid beside one of the eyes. The feeling of not being able to connect my actions to the cause was nauseating, there was just a blank space where I searched. I began to shiver involuntarily, and dissociated with what was happening. My eyes went wet when they spotted the lower jaw laying on the sand. My pulse went up followed by a high pitched noise.
No, I couldn't have, I can't...
There was darkness spreading from the corner of my eyes, and I realised that I was beginning to faint. I managed to let out; "I, I did this..." Before my legs failed me and I fell onto the sand. I knew those images would never disappear, but manifest forever in my nightmares. "Blue!" A distant voice yelled- but I didn't have the strength to reach them. Everything faded out in black, and soon I, as well, laid among blood and guts, passed out.
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And the story continues! ;) Thank you so much for 400 reads! That is awesome!

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