I remember wanting to run away. My life was slipping out of me. I couldn't breath. I had enough of my life. It was time to go to a turn a new leaf. I wanted to start over. It was in that moment, i thought about myself and no one else. I bet no one would miss me. In that moment i cried my hardest I ever did. I remember the words they said to me.
"No". They said to me.
I remember telling them, "I am gay".
Coming out was a step for me, but they were my parents and it broke me. I was in a cage. I was like ice cold trying to understand it all. I was only 13. Too young to feel so much pain. I didn't want to speak ever again. I didn't want to ever hear there voices at all. I wanted to shut them out.
My lungs felt tight and i felt air was running out. It was the most difficult time of the year. I remember they saying they wanted to send me away. Maybe i would of been happy if i was with another family. Everything was spiraling before me and i just wanted to breathe again. I wanted to feel alive in some form of way.
I couldn't believe they said that to me. I just couldn't. My body felt numb. My skin was tearing apart. My mind was racing. I Just could not take the pain any longer. I wanted to rip every bone in my body. I wanted to burn out that event in my life. Just letting it slip away from my life.
Screaming out loud i remember that night. I remember crying. It felt like a shadow following me and reminding me of the wounds left on my skin. The imprints of the trauma covered on me. Feeling hopeless, feeling worthless, and unloved. I was underwater and drowning. Slowly suffocating in my own demons.
Silence is deadly and it took over me.
I remember talking to someone and my mom freaking out My step dad saying I am brainwashed. The words she said, "I hope you know what is best for you". I remember it all. The memory still engraved in my mind. I remember my mom visiting me, but no one else did. Maybe they do not care at all. Maybe their love for me didn't meant anything at all.
Looking back years later, I am still haunted by the moment. A moment I will never forget. The wounds that will never heal. I can't take a bandage and just heal the cut. The cut is still there. It is still burning deep into my skin. Aching every part of my body. My body paralyzed by an event with the feeling of my body being filled up with water, finding a way to breathe again.
