There is only a certain amount of usage I can retain. A certain amount until my insides are drained. They always ask why i am quiet. How come I can't express myself ? i have heard it all. It annoys me. Some days i just want to shut the world out and curl up in my box alone. Some days I just want to endure the opportunities the world has. I have a time limit and it gives out when I hit a certain point.
People have a hard time thinking about what is on my mind. They get frustrated because I am not outgoing. Being silent is my pain.I can see why they are angry. Some days I just want to go off the grid.
I question my personality. The crippling anxiety taking over my entire body. Every part of me on fire when i enter a crowd. My mouth feels dry and a flu is coming along. My chest feels heavy. It is agodnzing to me. The experience of it makes me just want to go to my hiding place ; home. I feel safe in my bed away from the world. Makes me sane.
People ask why I don't open up. Yes it is because I am scared of you judging me. I am terrified. What if people do not like me ? The world is surrounded by loud people bursting wih vibrant colors. There extroverted selves are praised in every way. It is hard making friends and keeping them as well. I would say I have a small group of people I talk to, but I feel disconnected to them.
I feel disconnected to my family. Most of all i am not comfortable with myself.
I hate the skin i am in, I hate the way i talk, act, move, just breathe overall. I wish there was a new me.
A new breathe of life. I know there is a little girl screaming inside my own waiting to show the world who she is. This little girl is scared. Scared to be loved, scared to explore, scared to express herself and just scared to be freely alive for once. I am living in fear and I hate every moment of it.
