The History Of You And Me

June 2017.

*Edited*

"It fucking sucks, I cannot think of enough bad words to explain it. It's horrible... immoral, betraying. But I don't care. I love you."

The words continue to play in my mind as I sit listening to my third lecture this morning.

I look around the lecture room at my fellow pupils who all seem to be paying much more attention to the old, chubby professor than I am. I don't belong here.

"I know you feel it too, Bella. You cannot deny it. We can't continue sparing other people's feelings at the expense of our happiness."
I fail to rid myself of the lingering thoughts that clutter my mind.

 It's been a few weeks and you'd think my mind would've cooled down by now but it hasn't. If anything the mental rants have gotten worse.

Mom says I should let it go. She says that it's not worth it - I guess that's pretty much what everyone else is saying. Everyone who knows that is.

"That stuff follows you your whole life sweetheart. You don't want to be forever labeled as the girl who did that. Trust me, it doesn't go away."
Those were her exact words.

Everyone I've spoken to has told me the same thing - "Let it go."

 But why isn't that enough for me to stop thinking about it?

"I won't give up. I can't." Olli kept saying for a while. 

But clearly he didn't mean that because he did give up.

He stopped calling.

To be fair I wasn't exactly answering his calls, how could I?

I raise my head only to be met with the professor's eyes on me, I pretend to write something down in my book but his look tells me he doesn't buy my pretense.

I look down at my barely-there notes then turn my head to my neighbor who seems to be on her fourth page of notes. I wonder if it's too late to change my major.

"OK, we're all done for the week. Don't forget Monday's submission and have a great weekend."
It feels like forever before the old man finally says. I practically storm out of the lecture room when,

"Not you Ms. Dube, I need to have a word with you."
I shamefully turn around, ignoring the looks my classmates give me. Professor Henry never fails to single me out, I'm pretty sure the whole class now knows that I'm flunking my module at this point.

"Yes sir..."
I make sure my voice sounds modest as I approach him. He's made it very clear he doesn't take nonsense.

"What did we speak about the last time I asked you to stay behind."
His voice is calm as he carefully packs up his lecture pages and laptop.

"That I should try harder and be present during your lessons..."

"Correct. And what did I say would happen if you didn't do that?"

"You said that you would pull me off the course. But professor I -..."

"No excuses Ms. Dube, not anymore. Do you know how hard it is to get into this school? Now I know your father was the reason you got in but if you can't concentrate, improve your grades, and submit your work on time, why are you here? Do you know how many students would give anything to have your spot? You're giving me no choice. I'm going to speak to the dean in the morning. You're excused."