The History Of You And Me

May 2018.

Problems are inevitable in a relationship.
Mom used to tell me I should be more terrified if there weren't any.

She said that problems are necessary for growth. 'Rock bottom is essential', she'd used to say.

That in order to come back better than ever, you have to experience the lowest point ever.

In all honesty, I think she'd overcompensated a bit on that. The fact that she'd repeated it as much as she did certainly proved it.

Sure it's true that what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger as a couple. But I think she wanted to somehow convince herself that staying with dad wasn't as bad as it actually was. She convinced herself that having problems in a relationship meant evolving. True as that is, there are certain 'problems' that needn't be tolerated.

I love my dad, but I hate how he set such low standards for what love is and how a woman should be treated.

I hate that he took advantage of mom's love, knowing that she was never going anywhere. That she would stick by him no matter what.

I also hate that mom did stay. She allowed him to carry on with his ways. She used to tell me that I'll understand when I'm older, but I still don't.

If Olli turned into dad, I would leave.

Wouldn't I?

"You know I'm not him right?"
His eyes show deep remorse in them as he says.

We're laying on the bed facing each other. He's looking deep into my browns and I'm looking into his green hazels.

If there was ever one person who was the literal opposite of my dad, it would be Olli.

"I know."
I do. But somehow I can't help but wonder if that's how it began with my parents too.

Surely dad wasn't the way he is now when he swooped mom under her feet. Surely he was charming and said all the right things.

"You're looking at me like you look at him. Bella, I need you to know that I am nothing like him. And I'm so sorry for doing all this behind your back. I should've been honest with you."
The apologies are never-ending.

I suppose that's one other thing that makes him different from dad. He acknowledges his wrongdoings.

He strokes his hand against my cheek. His eyes are still staring deep into mine. I close my eyes to force my tears in. I love this man so much it hurts.

I know it's not fair to compare him to dad after this one thing. Believe me, I'm not doing it on purpose, my brain just won't let me stop. I've seen firsthand how bad things can get and I guess I don't want that for Olli and I.

"I'm looking at you because I'm going to miss my husband."
I say to him after a while.

"Your husband is going to miss you too Bella."
He says and I give him a shy smile.

We're ok. I think.

I'm learning that bumps on the road are inevitable in all relationships.

"Are you sure you're going to be ok?"
Not really no.

"I am, I promise."
I lie.