Falling Apart (Ziall Horlik)AU

Chapter 11

Zayn's POV

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, not doing anything much. I would occasionally smoke, then burn different parts of my body because surprisingly that was the only release I could find from my thoughts. I was going to light another one, but a small tap on my door stopped me. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:00 in the morning, so I got up and went to the door.

When I opened it I was met with broken blue eyes and a brused face. That was all I needed to break down into the tears I had been holding in this whole day. I covered my face with my hands and shook my head.

"I'm so sorry, Niall." I cried, but even getting to apologize doesn't take away the fact I hurt him. It doesn't make the bruses go away and it doesn't make me feel like I even belong on earth anymore.

"Can I come in?" Niall asked kindly and placed a hand I'm my arm. I dropped my hands, but the tears kept coming. We both walked into to room, but I couldn't look at him. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Zayn, please talk to me." Niall begged as I just continued to cry. I turned my back to where his voice was coming from and found myself digging my nails into the burn marks on my arms.

"I'm sorry I don't know how to love you! I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up!" I cried, then turned around to look at his beautiful face that I ruined. His blue eyes looked down at my arms then he rushed over to me.

The second he moved my hand away from causing myself anymore pain, his wormed his way into my hold. My arms automatically wrapped around his small body while I cried into his neck.

"We'll be alright." He mumbled in the side of my neck. I shook my head because, no, we won't be alright. I don't deserve his forgiveness and I don't deserve him. Even if we both moved on from this, I'll never trust myself with his gentleness and his kindness. We also won't have a chance in hell because now I know there's people watching us.

"I'm sorry..." I told him, feeling my throat start to close up with the anxiety of feeling so much regret and so much hate for myself. I let go of Niall and started taking steps away from him. This was just too much for me to handle.

"Zyan, calm down. We can talk about it and make things better. It will be alright if we just talk." He told me, then reached his hands to me. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, clearing all the thoughts in my mind and got ready to focus on making this right. When I opened my eyes I saw Niall sitting on the edge of the bed just watching me. I went and sat next to him, but left a space between us.

"Why did you get so angry when I asked you if you were going solo? It's a normal question. We've all talked about it and all agreed that if the band ends, then we would talk before we did that. You hadn't said anything about Naughty Boy to us, other than you would write songs for us with him." Niall started, then gently reached over and took of my my hands in his.

"I guess I just got mad that even you would assume that of me. I thought you knew me better. I hate it when everyone just assumes that I'm the one to leave the band first or I'm the one with sketchy shit going on. I felt like I could always trust you wouldn't do that to me, and when you questioned me I felt like if had to defend myself in some way." I told him. He nodded and moved closer to me, closing that space.

"Niall?" I asked him after a few moments of silence. He leaned his head on my shoulder and gave my hand a small squeeze.

"What is it?" He asked me. I  knew it was time to tell him. If I waiting any longer, we will end up leading each other on or getting each other hurt. It's not good for us, especially for Niall.

"I think we need to stop this. Well, that is if it already isn't over. I understand if it's over and it's best for you if it is, but we need this to end. Management talked to me and they know. They'll give you a fake girlfriend, things will turn to shit and I don't want you to be unhappy." I let out a deep breath and waited for Niall to reply. A minute passed then two then three and Naill was still leaning on my shoulder quietly.