WARNINGS: Trigger warning for: Alcohol Usage, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Death.
Please be aware of those triggers. IF ANY OF THOSE BOTHER YOU, DO NOT READ THIS STORY.
-Lok
QUICK EDIT - Y/N is non-binary - using They/Them pronouns and the Mx. honorific. <3
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POV: Y/N
Filming was nearly over, maybe two weeks left. My mind had spiraled, deeper and deeper into the darkness. It seemed like I could no longer see the light. I kept myself isolated from Liz and Tom, hoping that this darkness wouldn't affect them, to protect them from the monster I was becoming.
'You deserve this... this pain... this loneliness...' The voices screamed, no longer just phantom thoughts but full out demons.
"No... I..." I tried to argue but the voice was right, I did deserve it. Everyone I had ever loved was going to get hurt and it would be my fault. I had already hurt Scar, it was just a matter of time before I snapped and hurt everyone.
'Do it... no one would care if you died...' The voices just seemed to get louder and louder.
I pushed the voices down, taking a drink of the dark liquor in front of me. I had run out of vodka and changed over to whiskey. The rational part of my mind knew I needed water, and food, but the whiskey made the voices go silent for a while. I lost myself in the bottle, each swig making the voices fall quieter and quieter until I finally couldn't hear them any more.
I pulled out my cell phone, knowing what I was going to do next. I turned the camera on and began to record.
"Hey Scar... So, I should say sorry, I really should. Sorry for doing what I am about to do. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep going. The thoughts, the voices... I can't drown them out, I can't get them to stop. Please, I beg of you, take care of Lizzie and Tom for me? I wish I could take the hurt that I am about to inflict on them away. I'm so sorry. Tell Rose that I love her. Marry Colin. He's a great guy and he's so good with Rose. Scar. You deserve a good guy." I could feel the tears beginning to fall. "I've always seen you as the older sister that I never actually got to have. Please forgive yourself, even if you end up hating me. There was nothing you could have done to change this. I love you, Scar. Thank you for being there for me for everything." Ending that recording, I sent it to the cloud, before downing about half the remaining whiskey.
I recorded a few more videos before I knew I was nearing the two that I would need to leave the hardest video. I titled each video, making sure that it had the name of the person it was for as the title. Each video uploaded into a file simply named 'Goodbye'. When I finished the last video, I would send the link to Liz, Tom and Scarlett. Finishing the bottle, I set it aside. It was time for my last video.
"Elizabeth, Thomas. I want to say that I love you both, with all my heart and everything I am. You two are the best things that could have ever happened to me. Everything I leave behind is yours, you have access to my bank accounts and safe deposit box. My parents are dead, and I have no siblings that will contest anything." I hesitated, looking down at my hands. "Please don't blame yourselves for this. My Loves, you did nothing wrong. If anything, you are the reason I survived as long as I did. I know that since the incident I've pulled away from the two of you, and I am sorry for that. I did it to protect you both. The nightmares have only gotten worse, I fear that if I stay around, I will lose control and hurt one or both of you. I can't let that happen. I'm sorry that I have to do what I am about to do." I looked back at the camera, picturing my loves in my head. "Elizabeth, my beautiful green eyed angel. It was love at first sight with you, Emo Wanda was so damn attractive, but then I got to know you, and I fell deeper and deeper. You are such a wonderful woman, please please please don't let this break you. I'm so sorry." I choked back my tears, knowing I needed to finish this video before I couldn't speak any more. "Thomas, My Tom, I can't describe how I felt the first time I saw you. It was like looking at the stars for the first time. I was awestruck and so damn scared at the same time. When you asked me to get coffee after the table read, I thought I had died right there and then. We fell together, taking Liz with us as we did. I love you, and I am so sorry."
I pulled off my necklace, holding it up to look at it. The three of us had gotten matching necklaces on our second anniversary. "I love you both, more than I could ever put into words, and I am so sorry that I am about to do what I am about to do. I beg you forgive me for my weakness, and remember the good times. Elizabeth Chase Olsen, Thomas William Hiddleston, thank you for loving me."
I finished the video, putting my necklace back on my neck and titling the video.
With a second thought, I typed up a quick note, simply titled LOCATION.
"You will find me at Edgewater Hotel, Room 724. The front desk has Tom, Lizzie, and Scar's names on the list to allow into the room."
I sent the folder of videos to the three intended recipients and turned my phone off, not wanting anyone to call and try to stop me.
I set my phone next to my packed bag, my wallet and shoes. I took a few minutes to clean the whole room, piling all my things onto the chair in the corner. I picked up the knife, the blade glinting in the hotel lights. I took a breath, deciding which way I wanted this to go. With a shaky hand, I dragged the blade down my arms, nearly from the elbow to the wrist. The blood flowed easily, pooling as I attempted to hold the knife in my hand still. With all the strength I could, I plunged the knife into the side of my neck, a small scream ripping from my throat as I heard a banging at the door.
"Y/N... Please open the door..." I knew that voice, but I was too weak to answer back. I fell backwards onto the bed, my hand falling beside my neck as the knife slipped from where it was. The door opened, and I could hear two sets of footsteps coming into the room.
"OH MY GOD." One voice said, before a set of footsteps came closer.
"Y/N ... no.... Please... Stay with me." The accent gave it away, the calming British accent washing over me. "Call 911."
My eyes blinked as I finally looked at the voice, seeing Tom coming closer, grabbing everything he could to stop the blood flow. I smiled at the sight of him.
"Stay with me, darling. Please." He looked over his shoulder. "SCAR.... ARE THEY COMING?"
Before an answer could even make sense in my head, the world faded into nothingness.
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POV: Third Person
It's said that in the lingering moments before you die, your body releases a chemical mixture. The same mixture that makes you dream. It's a chemical that's found in every living animal. It's not a trick of evolution to make you survive death. It's your body choosing to release the chemical, because it believes your fate is too grim for your conscious mind to comprehend. So you dream. You dream that everything will be fine or that nothing happened at all. It's in this moment that your body sits across from your conscious mind. It tells you 'looks like we aren't going to make it this time.' You sit around a fire, recollecting the past before soon parting ways back to the atomic ether that we all start from. Your body does this because it loves you. You have never met anyone like your body. Your body has been there with you every day, good and bad. It's even kept a journal of your life carved in scars and tattoos. Your eyelashes have always wiped the tears from your eyes...
But Now...
That's All...
Over...
...
...
...
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A/N: Please if you ever have those thoughts, or you want/feel the need to attempt suicide, the number below is a resource that you can use to talk it through and get help. If your line isn't listed, please check out the website below that.
USA: 800-273-8255
Canada: Hotline: 1 (833) 456 4566
United Kingdom: Hotline: 0800 689 5652
https:// www. opencounseling .com/ suicide-hotlines
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WORD COUNT: 1523
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