take my hand, wreck my plans

CHAPTER 15: can you blame me

Derek was staring at Meredith, waiting for her to answer the question he finally dared to ask.

"You really want to do that now? I thought we were just having a nice dinner..." Meredith finally said.

"Come on Meredith, it's normal that I want to know more about your past love life, I'm not asking a detailed history, I'm asking a basic question that many guys would've asked way earlier. Plus, you literally already know everything about mine." He replied seriously.

Meredith nervously took a sip of her wine before talking again.

"I don't know everything about yours. I only know about Addison."

"Well, that's pretty much it. I've been with other women before her but never anything serious and I married pretty young, our marriage lasted 11 years during which she obviously was the only woman I was with and then I met you." He told her softly.

"I'm the first woman you've been with since your divorce???" Meredith exclaimed almost choking on her wine.

"Yes. But stop trying to dodge the subject."

"I'm not dodging anything." She defended herself.

"Alright, then I'm listening." He replied resting his chin on his palm and looking at her with his signature look.

"Fine, um, my last serious boyfriend I guess was Finn, he was a veterinarian. My friend Izzie set us up and pushed me to date him. He was nice but I never fell in love with him. We stayed together for a year or so and we broke up after the... um... after I had an... incident." She said quickly looking down at her plate. 

Derek simply reached for her hand and took it into his, brushing his thumb on the back of her hand. Encouraged by his gesture, Meredith continued.

"Before him, I didn't really date anyone serious, I guess my severe emotional limitations don't go well with dating. Even in high school or college I never had anyone serious ever. I kind of went from one night stand to one night stand."

Derek cringed at those words but didn't say a thing. Of course, he didn't like hearing that but it was not his place to judge.

"Don't make that face." Meredith said furrowing her eyebrows as soon as she picked up on the facial expression Derek had made.
"I didn't make a face; I'm silently listening to what you're telling!" He exclaimed.

"See, I knew you'd judge and see me differently." She almost yelled, dropping his hand.

"Meredith, calm down, I swear I'm not seeing you differently. Obviously, I don't like hearing this but I would never judge you on your past."

There was a silence. Meredith had crossed her arms on her chest and was currently debating with herself, fighting the urge to scream at him and kick him out. She knew deep down he was being sincere and she was completely irrational but her bad habits came creeping in the second anything was not 100% perfect.

"Meredith, come on. Don't you trust me?" Derek asked disappointed.

"I do, I just..."

She paused and closed her eyes for a few seconds, focusing on the things she learned in therapy with Dr Wyatt.

"I'm trying my best to trust you, I really am but everything in me right now is screaming at me to kick you out. I don't want to, at all but it feels like the safest choice. I wish everything were simple and I could have this conversation casually and call it a day." She explained.

Meredith was still completely terrified of opening up to Derek even though she was working hard in therapy. Her second greatest fear right now was that this wouldn't be enough for him. He knew she had lots of issues and she was not the easiest person to have a relationship with but she was scared he would just give up after realizing she wasn't worth all the trouble.