Where Clover Whitens (Jalex)

Anapest

I looked for that which is not, nor can be,

And hope deferred made my heart sick in truth:

But years must pass before a hope of youth

Is resigned utterly.

-Christina Rosetti, "A Pause of Thought"

Nineties pop music trilled from a small jukebox in the corner of the nearly empty room. The carpet was a dusty ecru and the walls were a drab taupe. This was an extra room at the venue, a mansion that had been transformed into one of the most prestigious wedding locales in the 90211. But this room was mainly used for storage, and Alex was relieved that he'd found it. He needed a minute alone. Or ten. Or twenty. Or one thousand.

He had known that this day was coming for over a year now. He'd done everything that he thought humanly possible to prepare himself for it. Of course, there had been a few things that Alex had been unable to anticipate. Still, he should have known that nothing would stop Jack and Caitlin's wedding. Not even Alex himself.

There wasn't a mirror in the room and Alex sucked at tying ties and making them sit straight. He'd been fiddling with the champagne-colored silk one he'd been assigned to wear for what felt like the last twenty minutes. Alex had snuck into the room from the designated groomsmen's dressing area, praying no one noticed that he was gone. He knew that he had to be ready by 6:30 and he had his phone, so he wouldn't be late, even if he wanted to be. No, he wouldn't do anything to ruin Jack's big day. Caitlin's big day. Jack and Caitlin's big day. Whatever.

Alex quickly checked his reflection on his phone, cursing when he saw that his tie was still crooked. Fuck it. Maybe he could just wait until right before the ceremony and have Zack help him with it. Did Zack know about ties? Alex wasn't sure, but he'd felt a bit weird around Rian since his conversation with Zack about their relationship. And the last thing Alex wanted was for Jack to touch him. At least that's what he told himself. Maybe Joe knew about ties. He worked some kind of corporate job, after all. They had to wear them, right?

Sighing, Alex sat cross-legged on the carpet. He turned his back to the door and stared at the wall. God, he wished that the last few days had gone differently. But what could he have expected? That Jack would admit that he loved Alex as much as Alex loved him? That he'd call off his engagement and wedding? That he'd dump Caitlin, just like that? Going into his confessional to Jack, he knew that thinking those thoughts was foolish and almost certainly impossible. However, the confession itself had gone much better than he'd expected and the aftermath...well, it was better than Alex could have dreamed of. Still, Alex knew all too well that good things can't last forever. Even more so, Alex believed that great things ended far more quickly than they began.

He had stayed with Jack for a long time on the day he'd confessed his feelings. After they fucked again in the shower, they ordered a pizza and watched a movie in Jack — and Caitlin's — bed. They didn't talk about what happened. Alex was convinced that he had done his part; he had told Jack the truth about how he felt about him. He wanted to leave everything else to Jack. Yet, it seemed like Jack didn't want to discuss what had happened. Jack treated Alex the same as he always did, like his best friend. Of course, they were best friends, but.

Jack had kissed him. He'd fucked him twice. Alex couldn't haven't imagined everything when Jack had been right there with him. He had given him every chance to bow out and Jack hadn't taken them. He just didn't know what to do. He didn't want to make Jack feel obligated to do anything, but at the same time, sitting stagnantly was driving him mad.

Alex remembered what Jack had said after they'd finished having sex that first time. "Gonna have to hide this good. I'll probably just toss it in the trash barrel outside tomorrow." So nonchalant and he'd said it with a smile while guilt ate Alex alive. But then, Jack had also said something right before they'd slept together that was still ringing in Alex's ears. "Maybe it was just me, but I wanted more from you that night than what I got. And I never forgot that feeling."