Where Clover Whitens (Jalex)

Volta

"For a further union, a deeper communion

Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,

The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters

Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning."

"East Coker" - T.S. Eliot

When Alex was three years old, he was in one of his sister's weddings. He wore a tiny black suit and carried a little silk pillow with a couple of gold rings in the middle of it. His mother told him repeatedly how handsome he'd looked, and no one got mad when he tripped on the aisle. He didn't fall, and the rings did not slip off of the pillow, so all was well. After, Alex ate a big piece of cake, danced with the bridesmaids, and passed out in his father's lap. From what he could remember, that was the first wedding he had ever attended, and he'd had a fantastic time.

At Jack's wedding, Alex walked down the aisle with a redhead named Kenzie, who just happened to be Caitlin's best friend. He'd met her before, and she'd hit on him after a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio. Instead of the typical wedding march, they'd sauntered down the lacy path to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," careful not to trample the yellow daisy petals that the flower girls had sprinkled throughout the walkway. Jack had mentioned to Alex before that he didn't want cheesy romantic songs on his special day. He supposed that Caitlin had changed his mind. All he could picture was the final dance scene from Dirty Dancing and how his mother had loved that movie. He remembered watching her worn VHS tape of it with Jack after they'd snuck a bottle of her red wine, giggling uncontrollably at the cheesy dialogue.

When Alex joined Jack's left, he wouldn't meet his eyes. Alex was holding his breath, watching Jack curiously, daring him to even glance at him once, but Jack refused, opting to stare at his shiny black loafers instead. It was agonizing for the obvious reasons, but also because this wasn't the Jack that Alex knew; this wasn't his best friend of over twenty years. Alex couldn't think of a time in which Jack couldn't even look at Alex. The Jack he knew wasn't this much of a coward, didn't run away from his problems, and definitely didn't hurt those he loved. Alex knew that Jack had changed; he'd just thought that he hadn't changed this much.

Alex held his breath when the officiant asked if anyone had objections to the union. He'd promised Jack that he wouldn't reveal their secret, but it was hard to keep his mouth shut. He believed that Caitlin had the right to know that her husband had cheated on her only days before their wedding. Still, Caitlin was Jack's fiancé, not Alex's. Therefore, it was Jack's job to be honest with her. Besides, even if Alex told Caitlin about his and Jack's tryst, he highly doubted that it would do much to help his case. If anything, it would probably make Jack resent Alex. And Alex certainly didn't want that.

Truthfully, Alex knew that he should be the one resenting Jack. He'd hurt him beyond measure, and he was just rubbing salt into the wounds now. Jack's vows were beyond beautiful. An outsider would believe that Jack thought Caitlin hung the moons and all of the stars, but Alex knew better. His best friend was overcompensating, but Alex wasn't sure if Jack had done it because he was feeling guilty or because he felt like he had something to prove to Alex, especially. Maybe it was a combination of the two.

"You make me want to be a better man, but more than that, you've shown me what it means to be a good human. Your humility and loyalty, and kindness go above and beyond anything I've ever seen. You are an angel on this Earth and the love of my life."

Alex wanted to puke. He felt guilty. He felt embarrassed. He felt heartbroken and angry and disgusted. He felt like even dying wouldn't solve the amount of pain he felt. Tears pooled in his eyes throughout the entire ceremony, but he didn't dare let them fall. Instead, he held his breath and focused on grounding himself as his knees repeatedly tried to buckle underneath him. Alex was fighting the hardest war of his life completely alone and in his own mind. The only calvary that knew of the attack and could even remotely help him was far away and did not fucking care.