Where Clover Whitens (Jalex)

Refrain

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

-Mary Oliver, "The Uses of Sorrow"

"Alex," Jack said simply, softly, much more calm than Alex felt. Sure, the champagne had chilled him out quite a bit, but the sudden appearance of Jack alone was jarring. Alex's eyes were wide, his skin paling and he couldn't move, his feet cemented to the floor.

Jack didn't wait for Alex to respond. He looked from Alex to the door and back and then back again, leaning over to lock it. Alex had never understood why bathrooms with stalls often had main doors with locks. Perhaps there had been maintenance in the past or maybe there was something he just didn't know. That didn't matter; his main concern was why Jack was locking the door.

"I have to talk to you," Jack said, crossing his arms over his chest. "And you just keep avoiding me. Or, you've got Beau right next to you, and I can't." His eyes looked pained, downturned, and dark, and Jack ran a hand through his hair. "I know you've got every reason to ignore me, but Alex, I can't do this anymore. I can't not have you in my life. It's driving me crazy."

At that, Alex's chest felt full, with both a fluttery feeling of love, but also a heavy, tight feeling of angst. How was he supposed to respond to that? Of course, he missed Jack; the state of their friendship plagued him daily. However, it wasn't like Alex had wanted this. It felt like Jack was putting all of the blame on him when the very last thing he wanted in life was to not be with Jack.

"I miss you, Alex," Jack murmured, looking up at Alex, and Alex lost all resolve he might have had before. Jack's soft, dark eyes made him so weak; he wouldn't be surprised if his knees buckled underneath him. Alex had wanted Jack to miss him so badly and hearing that he had was vindicating. At the same time, it also hurt to hurt Jack.

Swallowing hard, Alex balled his fists up at his sides. He was trying to stay still, though his arms itched to wrap around Jack.

Jack sighed heavily. "Please say something."

Alex opened his mouth to reply, noting then that his lower lip was trembling. Why did he have to be an emotional drunk? He was an emotional everything, who was he kidding? "I don't know what to say," he whispered before he completely burst into tears with a loud sob.

Hurriedly, Jack ran over to Alex and enveloped him in his arms. Alex's face was burning red with embarrassment, but tears were streaming down his cheeks. He buried his face in Jack's neck and sniffled as he grasped onto Jack's jacket. He gripped it tightly, closing his eyes and breathing Jack in deeply. His cologne hadn't changed, but there was an air of a floral perfume that Alex didn't recognize, which made his chest clench.

"Hey," Jack whispered, stroking Alex's hair between his fingers, and Alex reveled in the gentleness of his touch. He was still waiting for Alex to say something.

"I miss you, too," Alex blubbered, his tears wetting Jack's neck. "So, so much. I don't want to avoid you, Jack. It makes me miserable."

Jack tightened his arms around Alex, and the older man could feel Jack's nose in his hair. "Then why are you doing it?" Jack asked, his face downcast.

Alex kind of thought Jack should know why, but he didn't vocalize that, he just sighed wearily. Sniffling, he pulled back so that he could look at his best friend. All they'd done was hug, but it felt like he was doing something inappropriate of a man in a relationship. He tried to ignore the hurt look that Jack shot him when he left his arms. Hastily, Alex wiped at his eyes and then shook his head.