Where Clover Whitens (Jalex)

Caesura

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

-Elizabeth Barret Browning, "How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)"

Alex wasn't surprised at all when his doorbell rang the next afternoon. He had spent most of the morning nursing one of the worst hangovers of his entire life, which was really saying something. Alex had become glued to his bed, doubled over with a small trash can in his lap, vomiting until all he could do was dry heave and cry. Never before had his head hurt so much, pounding so hard that he could barely open his eyes, Needless to say, he had been downright miserable. However, after a bit more sleep, some toast, a couple bottles of Gatorade, and way too many ibuprofens, he was feeling less shitty.

Alex also wasn't surprised when he pulled his door open and saw Zack standing behind it, waiting for him. He looked much better than Alex felt, but he also held his liquor way better than anyone else that Alex knew.

"Uh...hey," Alex said softly, biting his bottom lip. "What's up?" He opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside to let his friend inside.

"Hey, Alex," Zack replied as he came into the house. "Sorry to bother you. I know you gotta be feeling rough."

Alex closed the door behind Zack and then followed him into the living room. "S'okay. Do you want a drink? Coffee or something?"

Zack shook his head, playing with the cap that he wore backward on his head. "Nah, I'm good. Thanks, though."

Nodding, Alex gestured to the furniture in the living room. Zack sat down on his sofa and Alex in a recliner near him. Peyton and Baz came bounding in the room, both of them rushing to sniff Zack with wagging tails.

"Sup, little dudes?" Zack said with a grin, leaning down to pet both of them. Alex watched them quietly, a small smile on his face, as well. The only times that he felt pure joy when he wasn't on stage was when he was with his dogs. Or Jack, but that also came with immense pain.

Alex began to tap his foot nervously, knowing that Zack was going to talk to him about something important. He could tell by the way that Zack had looked at him and Rian last night that something was going on. He just wasn't sure what.

"I kinda wanted to talk to you about something," Zack said, leaning back as if he could read Alex's mind.

"Yeah, I figured," Alex said with a shrug.

As if he could sense that something was wrong, Baz hopped into Alex's lap and curled into a ball. Alex gratefully began to pet Baz's soft head.

"I just...I can tell that something's not right with you and I don't...," Zack trailed off, clicking his tongue in thought. "I don't want you to end up like me," he said with a deep sigh.

Frowning, Alex locked eyes with Zack. "What do you mean, like you? What's wrong with you? You're like, perfect, Zack."

Zack snorted, shaking his head. He laughed, but it didn't seem genuine. "I am not perfect, Al. Far from it, actually. But I guess it's less about me and more about...Rian."

Alex was quiet, still stroking Baz's fur. He had an inkling about what Zack was going to tell him, but he also didn't want to assume anything. He figured it best to just not say anything until Zack prompted him to.