Losing Oneself

I Am Sorry

Ross sat in the chair and watch his son hold on to his mother all night. Dwight came in twice and checked on her, Demelza didn't move. Jeremy held his mothers hair in his little fist. Ross got up to stretch his legs he walked to the window and looked out over his farm. He remembered good times with his wife, before he brought Elizabeth back into their life. After the trial when bankruptcy was upon them he sold items that Demelza gave up gladly. She tried to tell him about Jeremy, he knew she did but he didn't want to hear it and he turned his back on her. He knew he failed her. Then they were invited to the harvest dinner where he and Elizabeth spoke of old times renewing their feelings, she tried to get him to talk about his feelings but he shut his wife out. Then Caroline's engagement party, he told Demelza he would only have eyes for her but then Elizabeth made her confession and Caroline had pulled him into her web, again breaking a promise to Demelza. God help him he didn't mean to hurt her, he never took her feelings into the equation, believing she would forgive him always because he raised her up out of the gutter. How was other people to see how special she was if he treated her like a second class citizen. God what a fool he's been. He wasn't lying if anything happened to her he would do himself in, so he could be buried beside her, he wasn't strong enough to live without her.
Ross he heard her call his name take Jeremy please I don't want him to see me. No my love if you are determined to kill yourself then you will need to look into the face of that little boy who loves you so much. I know I have been an abhorrent husband and father but we need you Demelza without you there is no light in my world. I told Elizabeth today what all this has cost us. What her and my folly to try to regain the past has cost me! If I lose you, Jeremy will not only lose his mother but also his father. I know I can't give you the past back but you are my future, I Love You Demelza you and only you! He was weeping holding her hand. She just looked at him with blank eyes, I have nothing left to give you or Jeremy, I am sorry. Prudy came in with some water and broth, Verity made it and it is good Maid eat some. At that Jeremy woke up and said Momma better, Demelza kissed him and said go with Prudy and break your fast.
Once they left she asked Ross to take the tray away, I don't want it. Dwight came in and heard her say this. Demelza at least take some water I am not thirsty. I know what your doing Demelza, Dwight told her and if I have to force you to eat and drink I will. Demelza said I can't do this anymore, I give and give and it is never enough. First with my father, now with Ross, she started crying why am I not enough! Dwight looked at Ross. Ross said "Demelza you are enough it was me my mind wanted to escape what I had done to you to our family". Demelza cried, how by ignoring me and treating me as your personal maid". She laughed and turned her head away from both of them. Dwight motion to Ross to follow him.
Although I am still very upset with you, we need to work to bring her out of this depression. You need to pull yourself together and make a decision that either she is the only one you want, you can't tell her half truths, she is very observant where your concerns. I know she can tell when you are telling the truth or when it is a lie. So only truths. We need her to be aware of Jeremy. Verity will have to tell her she can't possibly take care of Jeremy and I will do the same. Although Verity or I will not hesitate to claim him if something happens to her. We need to talk to Prudy and Jud to try and get them to show her how much she is needed. She is needed Ross exclaimed! Dwight looked at him, yes well most of us see that but right now she doesn't, between what you did and what McNeal did she has no self worth left. Ross grabbed his head he wanted to scream he never never wanted this. He loved Demelza he knew he had treated her badly but he loved her and he wanted to make it right to give her what he never gave her before, his whole heart.
Ross went down to see if Jeremy was done eating, he picked him up, Jeremy I am going to take you up to momma I want you to ask her if pappa can take you on a ride on Darkie, okay, if she tells you yes, ask her to come with you so she see you ride, okay? Jeremy nodded at his father and they went up to see Demelza. Jeremy ran to his mother when Ross put him down, momma can I ride Darkie? Demelza looked at Ross who gave her no sign as to his opinion, if pappa takes you and is very careful with you Demelza told him. Jeremy looked at his father then he looked at Demelza and said "I want you to come with us please". Demelza said "not today my lover momma is not feeling well ". Jeremy lip began to tremble and said I don't want you to be sick, I need you. Ross couldn't have been any prouder of his son. Demelza ran a hand over his cheek and said maybe some day okay? Jeremy just nodded and hugged his mother. She looked at Ross and said could you send Prudy I want to use the the facilities? Ross said "nonsense here let me help you", Demelza said "Ross I do not know the state of my gown and I don't want to frighten Jeremy". Ross looked at her, wait a minute, he went to the door and called Dwight he wanted to know if he should get her out of bed anyway. Dwight came running up the steps what is it? Ross told him Demelza wanted to use the chamber and was it okay for her to get up? Dwight said as long as someone is with her. Okay could you take Jeremy to Prudy tell her to get him ready for me to take him out, for a horse back ride also tell her to bring up some hot water and some broth. Thanks Dwight, Ross grinned at him. Dwight thought to himself, it seems as though Ross Poldark had made up his mind whom he was going to anchor his boat to.
Ross helped Demelza up and into the chamber room he agreed he would not go in with her as long as the door remained unlocked an open a crack, Demelza agreed.
Once she was in there Ross changed the sheets. He thought to himself it was a good thing to because the gown she had on and the bed was covered in blood. He was almost done with the bed when he heard Demelza moving around, he went in and saw her grasping onto the wall she looked like she was going to fall over, he picked her up and carried her to the chair. Once he had the bed put back together, there was a knock at the door and Verity came in with the hot water and broth. Ross took the hot water and Verity tried to get Demelza to eat. She ate little but at least she got a couple of spoonfuls in her. Ross thanked her and told her to set the broth on the table then he brought the wash basin, cloth, and towel over to clean Demelza off. He asked Verity to find out from Dwight if Demelza could bathe thinking it might help with the soreness? While she left Ross took the cloth and wipes Demelza's face being careful of her split lip. He then told her he wanted to take her gown off her so he could wash and put a new one on. She said "Nay Ross" I can't I don't want you to look at my body not after. She didn't go on. Ross said Demelza if someone had beaten me would you not want to take care of me? She looked at him and nodded. There was another knock at the door this time Dwight and Jud brought in the copper tub and buckets of hot water once the bathe was arranged the other two men left and Ross took Demelza's shift off being very careful how the bites and bruises were affecting him. He picked her up and gently placed her in the tub. She hissed as her bottom hit the hot water. Ross instantly stopped, my love are you in pain, she shook her head and told him it was just hinting some of the cuts. He placed he in the water he gently washed her hair, then he washed the rest of her making sure he was gentle not causing her any pain, he left her sit in the water until is started to cool, then he lifted her and placed a new night shift on her. He noticed she was bleeding a little and decided he needed to ask Dwight to make sure it was normal. He place her monthly rags to catch the blood, at this she started crying again. I am sorry, I didn't know I was with child, I lost it before I could have even begun to feel any love for it. He hugged her close and tried to comfort her. All he could think of was, it is my fault. He placed a clean shift on her and gave her a glass of water. Drink this you can't become dehydrated you will be no good to our son, Demelza you must know no one can ever love him like his mother please get well if not for me for him. She took the glass and swallowed it down. Then he gave her a couple more spoonfuls of broth. He said I better go to take that son of ours on his horse ride. Or we will be hearing it. He went to leave and Demelza said "Ross I don't want him around Elizabeth".
He came back to her kissed her temple and said "have no fear my days of wanting to be near her are done, I swear on my parents graves". She nodded and he went down to take Jeremy for his ride on Darkie after he questioned Dwight on Demelza's still bleeding . Which Dwight assured him was normal.

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