Losing Oneself

Jeremy and Ross

Verity brought up some broth and tea for Demelza's supper, then she asked Jeremy if he was hungry and wanted to go with her to have his dinner. Ross gave his son a kiss on his head and told him to go on he would be down in a few minutes. Ross sat and thought about how to explain to Demelza, he wasn't sure he knew exactly what happened that night. He did know he regretted it the moment he finished. He behaved so badly first by forcing himself on her, but in all honesty she had been goading him for years.
Elizabeth's whole purpose the day after Demelza and he slept together was to see, if he would come around and spend time with her when Francis was out. Her plan was foiled by Demelza, thank God because Elizabeth could or would never be what Ross wanted or needed. Then at Caroline's engagement party when she said those things about how she realized she loved him. How she called on him, needing his help and flirted with him all those months after Francis's death. That night even though he kissed her starting with force it only took seconds to turn into passion on both sides. The turning point for him was when she asked what he could give her then her egged him on about loving George. He knew how betrayed Demelza felt because that was another reason it happened that night. He regretted his actions the past two years, letting his wife believe she was less than Elizabeth or him. She saved him. How could he treat her with anything less than the faithfulness and loyalty, and yes love, she gave him. Demelza sighed, Ross turned his head, "my love what is it?" How can I be enough for anyone when I am not enough even for myself, I could not leave Jeremy, he saved me all the months,  no, since the trail he saved me, when you made me your servant. If it wasn't for him I would not be here now." Ross said, "Demelza, can you not love me again?" Demelza answered truthfully, "I have never stopped loving you but at this time I also hate you! You did the very thing that could break me worse than my father. The strap, the broken bones, beatings were nothing to the pain I feel right now!" "My love, will you not forgive me?" "Ross your attitude toward me has cost me two children, first Julia when you blamed me for Francis's betrayal, for that is the reason I went to Twenwith and got the putrid thoart! My beautiful little girl in the ground and I didn't get to say goodbye! Why because you couldn't stand to blame the social elite of your cousin and his wife, Now this one, why because you always want that highborn society lady. I'll never be one, like you told Elizabeth, I am just a scullery maid or the farmer's wife, which she couldn't be and she is a great lady. You pretend to not care for society but in all honesty I think you desire it more than anything." Demelza shut her eyes. Ross said "Demelza you are wrong, before he could say more Demelza sighed, "I am tired go spend time with my son before you turn your back on us again, I know it will happen because you have proven over and over we are not enough!" Just like you said she would never take you away, and she did! Or just like you said, I redeemed you and you were my servant or I was you Dog Star! Was anything you ever said to me the truth, don't lie to me again just go! Please!
Ross hung his head and left he went down and took Jeremy's blocks out, he couldn't ever remember playing with him with them. He noticed how few toys his son had as opposed to Geoffrey Charles, he can remember now that some of them were new after he gave Elizabeth the money. He thought about it there were new items in the house, yes some may have been Georges but Elizabeth seemed to have quite a few new dresses after that and Geoffrey was always in new clothes. Demelza made her and Jeremy's clothes out of Ross's old shirts. When was the last time she had anything new? Christmas when he gave her the garter and stockings. Things she would never wear because he was too busy with his cousin's widow! Ross hatred himself! He realized Jeremy was saying something to him, "sorry my boy what did you say?" "You  gonna go play with Geoffrey Charles now," Jeremy questioned? "No son, Pappa playing with you!" Jeremy looked at him then said, "why?" Ross said "because I have missed you!" Jeremy tilted his little head, "I been here, you always go Geoffrey Charles house!" Jud came in and Jeremy ran to him and said,  "Juddy play with Jeremy!" Jud said, "you play with Papa" Jeremy pouted, "Juddy play with me  Papa leaves soon!" Ross heart was breaking his son didn't realize why all of a sudden Ross wanted him or was it his son like Demelza no longer wanted him? Ross said "let's go get you ready for bed." Jeremy said, "no Momma." Ross said "Momma is sick." He said "Prudy." Jud said, "you can't blame the tike he hardly knows you, he a smart lad he knows you have discarded him for months, now all of a sudden you think he should welcome you back with open arms, ain't gonna happen!"
Jeremy started crying upon hearing Dwight, Verity and Prudy came in. Dwight said, "Hey little man what's wrong?" "Don't like Pappa, he no love me, he loves Geoffrey Charles, I want Moma, she loves Jeremy, she plays, sings, and kisses me, not Pappa. Him leaves!" They all looked at Ross, Prudy said, "if your parents were alive they would be so ashamed of you!" Verity said, "I think, once Demelza is able to travel I should take her home with me and introduce her to some Gentleman who will hold her and my Godson in the upmost regard!" Dwight just shook his head picked Jeremy up and carried him up to see his mother.
Ross got the whiskey bottle out and poured himself a drink but found he had no taste for it. He had no doubt, he had caused his son and Demelza  reprehensible damage. How could he ever fix it? After a couple of hours Dwight came in. Ross asked, "how do I fix this?" Dwight said, "the better question is, can you change?" Ross stared at him, "change I have changed!"  "In this moment yes, you have but I have seen you get angry at someone or thing and come home and treat Demelza like it was her fault. Just like the cave in, you saw how she worked with the miner's, what did you do to thank her? I saw you ignore her when she reached for you a few times that day, yes you were busy we all were but it would have taken you but a second to squeeze her hand. Ross if there was a woman, I could love after Caroline it would be the woman you cast aside time and time again. So I ask you again, are you ready to change your attitude and treat them as you should. Take your moods, Demelza would never ask you to but it is your moods and anger that has you acting like a spoiled child and treating her so. Maybe I should try to get her to go with Verity. Let Elizabeth have you, you two deserve each other!" Ross said, "I know what I am like but I never thought I treated Demelza or Jeremy to the extent they didn't know I loved them." Then he thought back to Christmas, when Demelza said she didn't think he cared for her that way, "oh God and what did he do to her not more than 5 months later? Ross hung his head and cried he had ruined the two pure and good things in his life. How was he going to fix this?
Dwight spoke again "Jeremy is with Demelza, he gives her the will to carry on. You have not only hurt Demelza but it is clear, to me anyway, Jeremy has also suffered. I remember Francis coming here for lunch, going back to the mine and telling stories of his antics, I can't say I have ever heard you say much about him. Oh well, I am going to get some rest. Wake me if I am needed!"
Ross watch him retreat to his bed in the library. Then went up the stairs to sit with his wife and son. Verity was sitting in the chair beside the bed. "I was serious before, when I said they should come with me to start a new life. You have taken pleasure in her body but you treat her and my Godson as if they are beneath you. I will tell you now, to your face, you should be more like her, there are few who could compare in Gentile society!" Ross nodded and said "I will sit with them tonight go get some sleep."
After Verity left Ross moved the chair beside the bed, Jeremy had his mothers hair wrapped around his hand. Demelza looked like she was dreaming she had a frown on her face. Ross whispered, "please forgive me, I need you to make me a better man! Without you I am nothing, I need you to help me mend the injustices I have done to my son, oh God,  Demelza I need you to help me. You who deserved everything and have received nothing from me in return. How disappointed our daughter must be in me, treating you and Jeremy such!" Ross pulled her hand to his mouth and then sobbed. He fell asleep holding her hand against hos cheek. It was a little after midnight when he heard Jeremy crying, then felt Demelza trying to move. Ross said, "stay still I will get him." When he went to pick him up he noticed he was burning up. Jeremy had soaked through his nightshirt. Jeremy sobbed and said "I sick," his voice sounded raspy, then he said "potty Papa!" Ross picked him up and took him to the chamber pot. Delza said, "what is wrong Ross?" Nothing "my love rest." Ross went and knocked on Jeremy's door, which is where Verity was sleeping. She said, "what's amiss?" Ross said "Jeremy has a fever and he soaked through his nightshirt. He is on the pot now but his throat sounds sore. Can you go in while I get Dwight?" Verity jumped out of bed and went to Jeremy. Ross ran down the stairs hoping God didn't punish him by taking his child and wife away. He granted him Demelza back the last time but he didn't think he would listen to him this time.
"Dwight," Ross yelled while knocking on the door, "Dwight!" Dwight, came to the door and said, "what is wrong?" "Jeremy is running a fever and he sounds as though his throat is sore, his nightshirt is soaked through.  He was sitting on the pot when I came down." Dwight started up the steps he said, "get me some cool water, not cold, cool."
Dwight walked in the room Demelza was cradling her son, singing to him his favorite song:

When the moon is on the sea
kosk yn ta, kosk yn ta
silver pilchards called to thee
kosk yn, kosk yn ta
dream of starry gazey pie
For me
kosk yn, kosk yn ta

Dwight looked at Jeremy and felt his head. He indeed had a fever. Dwight said, "Jeremy, may I look at your throat?" To which Jeremy shook his head no,  while clamping his mouth shut tight. Demelza said, "please my lover, for Moma?" Jeremy looked at her with mournful eyes and opened his mouth. He didn't want to make Moma sad; she always loved him and was his bestest friend even better then Garrick!
Ross came in with the water and the rags. He asked Jeremy, "can Papa hold you?" Jeremy really wanted Moma, but she was still sick too, he looked at his Moma and she nodded! He figured she must need to lay back down, after all he was a big boy now! He put his arms out for his Papa to take him, his Papa put his strong arms around him and it made him not as scared as before. Papa asked Dr. Dwight, "well?"  Dr. Dwight said, "his glands are swollen and his throat is inflamed. We will try to give him some juice and keep his temperature down, is that okay Jeremy?" Jeremy liked the idea of cold juice so he nodded his head. Papa asked, "it isn't putrid throat then?" Dr. Dwight said, "No, by tomorrow he should be feeling better." Jeremy was happy about that, he thought he heard Moma and Papa let out a breath. He heard putrid throat before it must be scary because Moma always asks that when he gets sick.
Ross sat in the chair beside the bed and rocked Jeremy all night holding him and changing the rags on his head when they started to lose their  coolness. Demelza slept off and on. Waking every so often and checking on Jeremy. Jeremy slept through it all.