Losing Oneself

Drifting Away

Jeremy woke up in the morning, his throat still had a froggy in it, but it didn't hurt as bad. He reached over and touched her head, like momma always did to him. He kissed her head, not sure why he was doing it but that is what momma did, he hoped it made her better like it did him. Pappa came into the room while he was kissing momma and he said, "are you making you momma better, my boy." Jeremy shook his head vigorously. Momma had been sad ever since that night when Pappa wasn't home. He thought he heard it was because of Uncle Fran's Lizard, but he wasn't sure. He didn't like her she always gave him mean looks, Pappa told Lizard not to look at him like that. Momma said she would not be around her; he knew Momma would protect him from her even if Pappa didn't. Should he tell Pappa, no because then Pappa would probably leave to go to Geoffrey Charles again. He remembered seeing Pappa giving Geoffrey a ride on Darkie, until the other day he didn't remember ever riding on darkie, He remember mean ole Lizard giving him mean looks when she saw him to. He hated her, Momma said it was not nice to hate, so maybe he just didn't like her! Maybe that is why Momma was said because she hated Lizard and it hurt her, I'll tell her it is not nice to hate, she can just not like her. Ross saw his son in deep contemplation, Ross said, "what are you thinking of my boy?" Jeremy shook his head. He would ask Jud or Dr. Dwight what was happening, not Pappa. He thought he felt like Pappa was gone for a long time even if he ate here mostly but he would always go to Geoffrey Charles big house, maybe Pappa liked the big house better. I wonder when Pappa was, he going to go again and leave them alone?

Ross asked, "are you hungry?" Jeremy shook his shoulders not sure if he said the wrong thing Pappa will go again. Ross asked, "do you want to come downstairs to break your fast?" Jeremy grabbed his mother's hair and shook his head no. Demelza said, "What is the matter my lover?" He looked at Ross, then back at his mother. Demelza said, "he will stay here with his momma, okay Jeremy!" Jeremy nodded and Pappa sighed then left. Demelza asked, "what is bothering you, my lover?" Momma always knew when something was wrong. "Is Pappa going to leave us again? Is Lizard going to come and take him home with her and Geoffrey Charles?" Demelza looked at her little boy he was so perceptive she answered him truthfully, Pappa can do what he wants but I promise you I will always be with you if not even if you can't see me, I'll always be right here she pointed to his heart" Jeremy tells her, "I don't like Pappa, he makes you cry and he loves Geoffrey Charles, he doesn't like me." Demelza said, "Jeremy why would you say such things?" Jeremy sniffed, "Pappa always with Geoffrey and his mother he never took me or you on picnics or horsey rides like he did with them, I don't like him. Momma, you can't hate Lizard or Pappa, member it is not nice, you can just not like them." Demelza smiled, he remembers what she said about hate.

Ross was standing outside door for most of the conversation and heard his son say he didn't like him; he would not say hate because Demelza taught him it was wrong. Ross thought he doesn't have to hate me, I hate myself. All because of trying to be a father to another man's son, leaving his son fatherless, it may have been better for Jeremy if he was dead. Then he heard Demelza, "your Pappa loves you; you should have seen him look at you when you were born? There was so much love. Your Pappa got confused when Uncle Francis died, he thought he had to spend time with Geoffrey because he didn't have a father. Jeremy said, "but Pappa gave him mine and then I didn't have one, he started crying and Demelza held him. Demelza said, "I am sorry my lover I should have protected you better from such hurt I never wanted you to feel this way. My Pappa was mean to me when I was young and I promised my children would never suffer the same pain, I failed you, can you forgive me?" Jeremy said, "why forgive you, you always loved Jeremy, Pappa bad one, I mad at him." Demelza looked at her little boy what could she say she was mad at Ross? "Jeremy it is okay to be upset, but you must no Pappa loves you?" Jeremy said, "No he wants the big house with Geoffrey Charles!"

Ross couldn't take it anymore he walked in to see Demelza holding Jeremy they were both crying. Demelza could tell Ross had heard from his look. He said, "Jeremy my son!" Jeremy turned his face into Demelza shoulder and sobbed, with his pitiful voice he told Ross, "Not you son, Geoffrey Charles is your son!" Ross came over and tried to take him, but neither Demelza nor Jeremy would let go. "Ross, you have done enough damage please send Purdie or Jud up, requested Demelza!" Purdie came up, she took Jeremy to go get dress. Momma told him she would meet him downstairs. Ross was sitting at the kitchen table, Jud came over and Ross said, "how do I fix it Jud, my son thinks I want another man's son instead of him?" "Jeremy he be a smart little lad, he knows and feels when someone has ignored or wrong him. You hurt them, up there, both, you won't ever get that time back, best start working on the future." Ross was sitting at the table when Demelza and Jeremy came down. Demelza was still very pale, Ross asked, "do you think you should be out of bed?" She replied, "I need to make some decisions for Jeremy and myself." After hearing Jeremy and her conversation Ross started to panic, he asked, "what decisions?" She looked at him "Ross I don't want to talk about this in front of little ears."