from the depths of my mind, they flutter free

the green-eyed beast

It starts with success
that is not yours.

You see numbers rise
before your own eyes,
and they don't belong to you.

Another achieving
what you've been working
on—in a shorter time too.

Either that or they attain
what you can't yet gain.
All you can do is dream.

Though they deserve their reward—
and you know it deep in your heart—
their triumph tears you at the seams.

It starts with friends
that are not yours.

They befriend others
so much faster and easier
and their circle outgrows yours.

They chatter and chortle eagerly
and converse seemingly effortlessly.
For you, it is almost a chore.

Even when you do the same actions
or say the same words as the other person,
it's the other who gets more likes and replies.

Everyone finds them likable
but you seem untouchable
to them, and you don't know why.

It gives you a puzzle
you bash your head solving.

You try to shed your shell
and learn to converse well
but somehow, you're always failing.

You know because when you stop
the conversation drops
and others don't bother reviving.

Meanwhile, they talk without you—
give and get nicknames too—
and you always get left out.

It cuts you up from the inside.
They claim they like you fine
but it doesn't quell your doubt.

It makes you obsessive
and perhaps a depressive.

You look at likes and replies
and gold stars and eyes.
You have less, and it bothers you.

But raw figures aren't sufficient,
so you compare proportions,
because ratios matter too.

You end up crafting responses
and maintaining balances
so that the figures go in your favor.

When your calculations prove wrong
you delete posts after not long
because your heart can't handle small(er) numbers.

It eats you up
from the inside.

A knife twists and turns
in your heart. It burns
when another receives admiration.

You don't want to admit
that your mind throws a fit
because of (a lack of) attention.

It troubles you greatly
that when others are happy
their elation tears you apart.

You try to pacify
the monster with green eyes
but it has made its home in your heart.

It lurks within you
even against your will.

You know you're not the best
but it doesn't put to rest
the feeling of inferiority others awaken in you.

You seek progress.
When others sing of success,
you learn to be happy for them too.

Though you are willing,
it's not easy ridding
your heart of the green-eyed monster.

You may not (yet) be free
from envy and jealousy
but you can learn to keep them tethered.