love, always

Chapter 10

10.

GET ME OUT!

What happened? Oh I was dreaming! Yes! It had to be a dream! I had a horrible dream that the story Zan told me was real! But it wasn’t though, of course it wasn’t, Ha!

I couldn’t even remember it!

But it felt so real! As she told the story it and I pictured it, it felt as if I was actually there, I mean, of course I was there when it happened, if it happened, but it felt like I relived it! It was so strange. I hate to say it but I need Zan because she’s bund to say something about it when she arrives here. It made me feel sick when she said about my mum coughing up blood and me swallowing sick, and a dribble of blood trickling down from underneath my mum’s eyelid--

NO!

Stop it, that didn’t actually happen, did it?

What If it did??

What if that actually happened??

What if my family are dead??

I need Zan, where is she? She was always late; I always ask where she is, don’t I?

She usually comes right after I say that but today she hasn’t. And today is the only day I want to hear from her.

Typical.

Right, okay, okay you have to calm down don’t lose your cool Haley don’t lose your cool. She’ll turn up. Meanwhile, do not think of the story, instead, think of-

“Good morning,”

Right on time. Ah so it’s morning! It’s not exactly a ‘good’ morning, but hey ho.

“Do you remember the car crash? Do you remember being there after what I told you last night?”

Nope.

“I really hoped it work, I’m sure it wasn’t a very nice experience, and I’m sorry for that but we really need to get you up and running again...did you remember any specific part of that journey?”

Nope.

“Did anything crop up that you’ve seen before, like de ja vu?”

Nope.

“Maybe you remembered the bit before the crash, when you were in the car...?”

Oh you mean when our happiness was just about to be crushed by a massive van and life? Nope.

“Or maybe you just remembered the actual crash?”

The point where our lives were actually being crushed? Nope.

“Did you remember ANYTHING?”

Nope. But you did get one of the facts wrong, you said there was a fat man telling dad to turn mum’s head, but actually the fat man was pulling on Megan’s door and there was a woman telling dad to turn mums head.

Wait.

That. Means. I . Remembered.

Do I?

I don’t know because I might be getting confused with that last experience, it seemed so real. But then no-one said anything about the fat man and the woman pulling on our doors before, so I must have remembered.

“So, you remembered nothing?”

No, I’ve remembered, I can remember everything, the physical pain when I got whacked in the head with the seat belt, my flesh burning, I can remember the ear throbbing screams, shouts and cries that made it so hard to concentrate. I can remember the kicking of Josh and the panicking of Megan, when Dad screamed and me to try harder and it made me squeeze every last ounce of energy out of me even though I was barely conscious. I can remember how hard I slapped Josh when I thought he was dead.

The pain, the pain of watching my Mum basically coughing up her guts onto Dad’s arm. The initial shock when we crashed head on into the van. The airbags that never appeared. The bruises on my head after full of smacking my head onto the seat. Dad door finally opening and fresh air and the sound of birds  filling the car. The first whisper of the gas wheezing out of the engine. The car filling with smoke. The fires. The seatbelts melting. The kicking. The panicking. The screaming. The shouting. The crying. The coughing. The choking. The vomit. The disbelief and utter shock in everybody’s eyes. I could remember it all.

And not just that, I can remember the pain inside, the feeling of shock, hurt, anger, pain, panic, sadness, disbelief, fear and the all the tastes I could taste, the blood sweat and vomit that was forever lingering in my throat and on the back of my tongue, the sounds, the horrible sound of someone half way between choking and throwing up, the pulling of the doors, the scraping metallic kind of sound that I had no idea here it came from, the sirens, the birds and finally the silence.

I can remember all the injuries I had in that accident. I slit my head open in three places, two in my forehead and one on the top of my head. The bruises down my arm and on my face, Black eyes and nose and fingers. The hundreds of burn marks form the fires - some of them quite serious and will last a lifetime - the blood and the cuts and the scratches and the slits in my skin and my broken ankle and my twisted arm.

I can imagine the length of time it took to repair my matted, torn and broken body. But I can’t remember a thing after I went unconscious. I don’t remember waking up or anything, but I can guess that a lot of those burns are still with e now and I can guess that when I do wake up there’s going to be a lot more scars that I could remember.

But the neither good nor bad thing is;

I still don’t know if my family survived like me, or didn’t.

And the scary part is not knowing...

So yes, Zan I did remember, but I would like to say that I think preferred not knowing because there’s now an ache in my heart where there wasn’t before.