I'm spiraling

(3/29/21)

(3/29/21) I am so close to self-destructing, it's like the fuse is getting smaller and smaller, like the rope that kept me tied to everyone is soon going to run out. I'm so tired of all of this but I can't explode. Too many casualties. I feel like I'm slowly being thrown into the sea of isolation and that everyone who I care about is leaving. I feel like I'm drowning and slowly running out of air. Even if I explode it's still will cause a tsunami. Every part of me is screaming. My brain is telling me to let everything out. But my heart tells me to stay quite as to not ruin everything. The thing is, I don't think my heart can hang on any longer. Just one thing could happen, and I could just explode. Everything I have will be gone.  I want to be free. I can't run this time and there is nowhere to hide. I just wish I could escape but there is no way out of this. If I broke down, I would have no one to build me back together because the people who did will be gone. I don't want to lose everyone but... But hey I'm fine this Is just temporary. Everything that hurts will soon go away. Maybe this is all inside my head. I keep telling myself "I'm fine, everything is fine" but I know that's not true. Once I explode everything will be gone. Maybe all of this is really my fault and I'm just playing the victim, I'm the only one who sees.

If I tell them everything will they understand, will they take pity, will they care. I don't think so, everything is going to hell. The answer is clear though, I'm the problem, I'm the only thing keeping everyone together; keeping us together. They should be thanking me, I brought them together. Did no one think about that. Without me none of this would have happened. If I didn't introduce them, I would have still been happy. A domino affect caused by things I've done. There is no turning back the clock and reversing time. No one can do that. But If I had the power, I would bring everything back into place. There would be no fighting, no issues, everything would be perfect. But would it? The laws of time state that even if you change the past the future would still catch up eventually. But even if that's the case I still would've had more time. Things would
be better. Everything that made me happy, everything that was good would still be good. I wouldn't have to reminisce about all the good things, I would still have it. I'm spiraling. None of this is my fault this is all theirs. They should be apologizing not me. It's their fault for causing all my pain and suffering. Is that true though? Is It their fault or is it mine? I'm so lost that I can't find the answer. I don't know who I have anymore. I'm utterly alone. Utterly alone. Utterly alone...