I'm spiraling

(12/10/21)

It's almost been a whole year since everything happened. It's funny to think about that. How everything thing has changed in such a short time.. But now that I think about it. I fear I might start spiraling again. Everything's starting to become too much. Things are starting to get more and more complicated. Im waiting for the right time for us to talk but I'm not sure when that is. I can't talk to anyone about my problems because they all say the same thing. And maybe their right. Maybe I am just gonna end up getting hurt. I mean I have a clear history of that happening. But it's still not fair. Why cant I get that happily ever after. Why am I the one who always has to make things worse. Maybe I don't even deserve love. I mean everyone I love either ends of leaving me or worse. I end up hurting everyone I get close to. Maybe it's my curse. Maybe that's why I'm always alone. Maybe if we never get together they'll be safe. I won't have to constantly worry that I'm going to ruin everything.

I remember everything about that night. That has to be one of the greatest days of my life. But the thing is. It was the worst day for my relationship and his. I ended up being the one who was hurt. To being the cause of everyone's suffering. It's like all those old villain stories. Right before they die theres always a flash back. It shows how they became what they are now. That there's always a reason why they became the villain. However, should they be psychopathic killers? No. But can some of their actions be justified. It depends on who you ask. Are my actions justified. Are my "killings" justified. I used to be the victim but now I'm (what's the opposite of victim? The cause? I have no idea).

In a span of a year I've hurt so many people. I keep trying to find that missing piece. The part that will make me feel whole again. Maybe if I finally find that everything will go back to normal. Maybe I am the problem. God why am I like this. Why can I never understand anything. I just into things without thinking about how I feel or how it's going to affect everyone else. Maybe that's the real curse. I don't know how to think. Thinkings never really been my strong suit. The more I think the more I worry. And then the whole cycle starts over again. Sometimes I wish I'd found this thing earlier. Since I began writing there has been so many notable tales. Tales of pain and betrayal.

Now I really sound like I'm in a wattpad story. I thinks that's funny. I actually showed the people who I began writing about. What I had written. It's funny one of them didn't believe I had actually wrote it. Haha. Even when I tried saying I did, they didn't entirely believe me.  I'm probably gonna start adding more as time goes on. See how things progress. See how I grow. I'm excited actually.