I just realized I had written this in another place soooo I'm just gonna add it here
I'm spiraling again.
So many things have happened in the past two days. And I can barely understand it. It was something that I never thought, I would ever have again. Or even have a chance of doing. I know we've done some stuff. But I still want more. And I feel bad. I can't look at them without being reminded of what happened. And I'm pretty sure my brain is not gonna be able to function for the next couple of days. I don't care what we are. I just wanna be able to do that. I want to be able to understand what things are ok and when. I want us to have those rules. Because maybe in the future more things can happen. And Maybe that won't happen. That's fine. I'll take what I can get. I still can't fully believe what happened. Like if you told me I would be doing what I did in these past two days. I would've told you, you were crazy. Im spiraling
I don't want to push them away. I don't want them to end up resenting me. But what if that happens. What if us pushing what ever this is, ends in disaster. Do I want to risk that? Is it bad that the answer is yes. That I would rather risk everything than never try. Is that wrong. Am I the one to blame. Would everyone hating me be my fault. I don't care. As long as I get to wake up next to them. Look at them and know what they're thinking. Just be able to spend my days with them. I'll be happy. I want them to see what I wrote but I'm kinda scared. That they won't like what they see. That they'll never truly understand my brain. Or if showing them would end what I've been trying to hold up. I know I'm very obvious about certain things. But other's, I stay quite. Them reading this would break down that facade. The only thing I have. Is this silence. I'm spiraling
Why am I like this. Why is this what I wanna do. Why do I do things I know will end up hurting me. I know why. Because I want that every day. No matter how long it takes. I wanna finally be able to understand them. And not be scared when I look at them. Can I finally be able to do that. Will I ever be fully ok?
YOU ARE READING
I'm spiraling
Non-FictionHeavy trigger warning. These pieces are things that I've written during times of pure mania. Where I began to unravel and spiral. Many discuss feelings of loneliness. And suggestive content. Please do not read if any of this triggers you.
