I'm spiraling

12/27/21

It's happening again. I'm doing it again. It's the same thing over and over. I'm just stuck I. This constant loop of mixed feelings. I don't know what they want from me. Or what I want from them. All I know is that I want that warmth. I want to be by their side in anyway I can. This is all getting to be too hard. I'm spiraling.

What am I supposed to do. No matter the talks we have or how many times they say there's no feelings. We still have that bond. That tension. But now there's an added piece to everything making it all much worse. I'm doing it again. Falling for someone who is clearly in love with someone else. We're stuck in this weird place. Where I'm slowing getting thrown into this love square. Where all 4 people like someone. And it sucks. Even though I might like the other people. I love him. And it won't go away. No matter how hard I try. Or what happens between us I can't stop loving him.

I love someone so bad that it hurts. But this doesn't involve only us. This isn't a fairy tale that has some happily ever after. I don't think I'll ever get that. I know it's not just us when I see the way he looks at her. They way he talks about her. I want that from him. I want him to look at me like that. What is it with me. We've kissed, made-out. And still it's the same thing. Whenever things get to real I break down. I'm spiraling

I need to keep everything inside. Because if I explode again. I'll cause another storm. Another wave dragging me back into that deep sea of isolation. The same see I finally got out of. Why am I doing this to myself. Why do I keep hurting everyone around me for my own selfish gain. Im slowly sinking deeper and deeper. I hope I don't run out of that line that ties us all together. I hope I can hold onto that rope a little longer. Im really spiraling.