(4/24/22) What am I supposed to do. Why am I crying. What is happening to me. I don't understand. I feel so helpless. I just want to be able to see them. Is that too much to ask. I can't do this anymore. It's getting to hard. And it's only going to get harder. I don't want to hurt them. But I can't do this. I can't do this again. I can't wait for a response. Sit around my phone waiting for them to answer. I have no life. I lost my self. I don't know who I am without some one with me. What have I become.
Im starting to get to the point where I just feel numb. I've always been the one taking care of people. Doing that so I don't end up loosing them. Im not saying it's wrong. It's just something I've always done. Is that bad for my mental health. Probably does that mean I'm going to stop. No. I help people. It's what I do. I want to make sure people are ok. So I make sure to keep my problems out of it. But maybe that is my down fall.
Sometimes I don't even feel juman. Im just this being that drones on day by day. There nothing there. No point. No action. Nothing. Im gust s matter of space. I don't like feeling like this. But it's the truth part of me really believes that no one would care if I just disappeared. If I was gone the world would just keep turning. I don't know if I'm spiraling. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I barely feel anything. This whole year it's been one thing after the other.
I can't wait until school is over. But then I'll be more alone. I have no where to go during the summer. No one to see. Someone told me to ask people to join me so I'm less alone. The thing is. I'm tired of asking. no one ever asks anything of me. No "are you ok" there nothing. Why do I have to be the one that branches out. It's not fair. Why are people so blind. I think I am spiraling. There are barely any thoughts anymore. I'm just drowning in that sea of isolation. There's no more rope. Nothing holding me to everyone. I'm drowning. Drifting farther out to sea.
What am I doing. What is my purpose. Do I even exist.
YOU ARE READING
I'm spiraling
Non-FictionHeavy trigger warning. These pieces are things that I've written during times of pure mania. Where I began to unravel and spiral. Many discuss feelings of loneliness. And suggestive content. Please do not read if any of this triggers you.
