I'm spiraling

6-1-22

(6/1/22) you know how people always talk about their "seasonal depression" and how it always seems to be in the winter. Well that's not the case for me. Mine starts in the summer. And it's getting worse. I'm realized a lot of things and many things that I've ignored or avoided are all making themselves known. I can't stop overthinking. I can't stop hating myself. And worst. I just feel alone. And I know that I'm going to be alone. I'm scared. It never used to be this bad. I was somewhere and I wasn't alone. Im not good alone. It's getting worse. Because the one person who I actually had in my life is gone. And now I'm just going to be sad and alone. What am I going to do. When everyone I know leaves. Like I know they will. It's stupid. They all think I'm stupid. They all say the care. And stupid shit like that. But do they really. Like actually. It never feels like I'm there. Whenever we hangout im always the odd one out. The pain in thier side. It's like I'm invisible to them. I just feel invisible. I feel like no one would care if I just stopped talking. If I just disappeared. My thoughts are spiraling. I wanna go home. But I don't know where home is. I don't know who I am anymore. Or what I want. It doesn't even feel like I'm here. Im drowning. Drowning in the deep vast sea of loneliness. Waiting for someone to throw me a line. But it never comes. I want to scream "IM NOT OKAY" and see if anyone comes. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to tell. I want to disappear. Im so tired. The point of existing is starting to seem meaningless that I'm just here with no person but to suffer. Or to cause others suffering. I just want a sign. A sign that this IS all in my head, that I'm actually not going to be alone, that people actually care. But no. That sign never comes.
This all seems like deja vu. Because it's happened before. Just in another time

(3/29/21) I am so close to self-destructing, it's like the fuse is getting smaller and smaller, like the rope that kept me tied to everyone is soon going to run out. I'm so tired of all of this but I can't explode. Too many casualties. I feel like I'm slowly being thrown into the sea of isolation and that everyone who I care about is leaving. I feel like I'm drowning and slowly running out of air. Even if I explode it's still will cause a tsunami. Every part of me is screaming. My brain is telling me to let everything out. But my heart tells me to stay quite as to not ruin everything. The thing is, I don't think my heart can hang on any longer. Just one thing could happen, and I could just explode. Everything I have will be gone. I want to be free. I can't run this time and there is nowhere to hide. I just wish I could escape but there is no way out of this. If I broke down, I would have no one to build me back together because the people who did will be gone. I don't want to lose everyone but... But hey I'm fine this Is just temporary. Everything that hurts will soon go away. Maybe this is all inside my head. I keep telling myself "I'm fine, everything is fine" but I know that's not true. Once I explode everything will be gone.