(4/1/2021) it's getting harder to be around them and I'm sure sooner or later I won't have them anymore. Would that make things better? Will I finally be at peace if we were no longer close? I don't think so. I know if I was apart from everyone, I'd feel lost. I would finally be submerged into that vast ocean of emptiness. This won't help anything if I just continue to push everyone away. I just want things to go back to normal, but I no longer know what normal feels like. I need someone to tell me that I'm going to be ok, that everything will be ok. I find myself biting my tongue and hanging my head low just so I'm able to hide. When someone asks am, I ok, what am I supposed to say? I'm spiraling.
It's slowly making itself known that we will no longer be able to go back to how things used to be. And maybe it's my fault for making something out of nothing. I'm still not sure who to blame. Trying to stay quite is slowly getting harder. Because so many things are rushing through my brain. How long do I have to wait so I can actually look at them and not want to cry? How long does it take to let go? Why am I the one who is not ok? This isn't fair. I'm in pain and I don't think anyone really notices. It's kinda funny really. I'm told to talk about my feelings but not even I understand what they are. The only thing I have to rely on is this. I think I might actually be going insane. I have a million things going on in my brain and that I feel like the voices are enough to cause anyone to explode. I tend to find myself saying, "you're ok, that everything is fine, that everything will work out". And finding no truth in those statements.
I know for sure that I'm being drifted farther away.
YOU ARE READING
I'm spiraling
Non-FictionHeavy trigger warning. These pieces are things that I've written during times of pure mania. Where I began to unravel and spiral. Many discuss feelings of loneliness. And suggestive content. Please do not read if any of this triggers you.
