I'm spiraling

(3/30/21)

(3/30/21) Today starts a new day and I still don't think I can stay afloat and if I can I feel like I'm still drifting out to see, sometimes being pulled in but being pushed out at the same time. I don't really think they've realized how close I am to cracking. I laugh and play along and that helps but when the quite comes I'm sure there is no hope. Maybe if I can close my eyes, I can imagine everything going back to normal. That's what they tell you to do in movies. That's what they tell you anywhere. To close your eyes and imagine everything is ok. How long does that last for. In your dreams you can imagine anything, but once you wake up, you're brought back to reality. I used to believe in miracles like wishing on a star, making a wish at your birthday, making a wish every time the clock strikes 11:11. The thing is wishes never come true. They only come true to dying children, the whole makes a wish thing. I mean it's really sweet, but they give other people false hope. I'm spiraling again, I can't keep my head on straight. The screws are slowing coming loose. Maybe this means I'm slowly going insane. Maybe if I'm insane I'll have a better chance with everything. Wouldn't have a care in the world. Boy what fun would that be. Maybe if I was crazy, I would be able to let go and move on. Stop thinking of all the what ifs and all that mumbo-jumbo. But if I'm being honest if I was really insane everything that was bottled up inside would finally come out. But it'd be worse than me just exploding. That would really destroy everything, and I know for sure that, that can't happen. I need to stay hidden and slowly let everything sleep out. After this diffuses how much destruction would this still cause. I'm not sure. Hopefully less than me fully going off the rails. Hopefully.