By the Riverside

04: Dust, Smoke, and Mirrors

TAMA NGA TALAGA ang kasabihan na nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

Not that I regret that I broke up with Alex and resigned . . . I did not regret doing that. What I regret, though, was rushing things. I regretted not thinking ahead of time. Ngayon tuloy ay bumuhos sa akin ang katotohanan na kailangan kong harapin ang kalalabasan ng desisyon kong ito.

Pinindot ko ang play button sa cellphone ko at nagsimulang tumugtog doon ang malumanay na musika. Unti-unti kong hinubad isa-isa ang suot kong damit at pumasok sa shower area. Binuksan ko ang heater at dinama ang maligamgam na tubig na agad bumalot sa katawan ko. Iginala ko ang tingin sa loob ng banyo. Ang kulay puting tiles, ang shower head sa itaas ng ulo ko, at ang translucent na salamin na bumubukod sa shower area. It wasn’t much compared to what I dreamt of having when I was younger. But it was enough to make me fall deep in my thoughts.

I closed my eyes as I felt the warm water gliding down my skin. This . . . what my family has now is the fruit of all my hard work. Kung hindi ako kumakayod para may maihain kaming pagkain sa mesa araw-araw, hindi namin matatamasa ang ganito kakomportableng buhay.

But, I also knew that I wouldn’t even have everything now if not for the sacrifices I made before.

Now, I just impulsively chose myself over this kind of life.

Habang nakapikit ako ay bumubuhos sa utak ko ang ideya na baka dito na rin magsisimulang gumuho lahat ng ipinundar ko dahil sa naging desisyon ko. I was a fool. I didn’t think much about our future, I just let my emotions drive me to do what I had done.

Now, I couldn’t stop feeling regretful . . . even though I should be feeling relieved.

For three fucking years . . . did I let myself get this dependent on Alex?

When these thoughts came rushing through my head, I really couldn’t stop myself from blaming everything. I needed to blame something to stop me from having those selfish thoughts again. I began blaming my parents for not planning our family. I began blaming my father for dying too early. I began blaming my siblings for not trying as hard as I did. I began blaming the world for not giving me a life as comfortable as Alexandre fucking Uy’s.

Heck, I even blamed God for giving me life.

Why would He give me life just to make me suffer this bad?

Buong buhay ko, dala-dala ko ang takot na madapa at matalo. Dala ko ang takot na kapag nadapa nga ako’t natalo, ganoon din ang mangyayari sa mga magulang at mga kapatid ko. Dala ko ang walang humpay na pag-asa sa akin ng mga kapatid ko . . . na mairaraos ko kami . . . na lahat kami ay aangat sa dulo.

At nakapapagod na rin.

Ngayon ay ang isa sa kakaunting pagkakataon kung kailan hinayaan ko ang sarili kong madapa at matalo. Ngayon, nagpapakaganid ako.

Pero saan naman ako dinadala ng sarili kong desisyon? Sa napakalalim na hukay . . . na tila ba ayaw na akong paakyatin paibabaw.

I must have cried a million times to be this comfortable crying with no sound at all. Only the sound of the dripping water on the marbled tiles made noises as I blamed everything repeatedly. And even though I had already sobbed a million times, my tears didn’t seem to be drying up.

My sanity was eroding as a result of my disappointment and the possibility of my family’s disappointment in me.

Sa bawat pagpatak ng luha na sumasabay sa tubig ay siya ring pagpatak ng napakaganid na namang kaisipan na ilang araw ko ring tinatakasan.

I saw the pair of scissors hanging on my left side. Lagi iyong naroon para pangbukas ng mga sachet ng shampoo. Lagi ko rin iyang napapansin sa tuwing dinadalaw ako ng mga demonyo ko. Kinuha ko iyon at hinawakan ang matalim na dulo. Itinutok ko iyon sa parte ng puso ko at unti-unting ibinaon. Ramdam ko kaagad ang sakit ng pagbaon niyon kaya’t napapikit ako.